How to read a Haynes Manual
 

Copied from a LRO.com post:


How to read a Haynes manual…


Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you...

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do

ROFL! That was way too funny! :D

Kuan

Crap! I just pissed myself!!! and I can't see what I'm typing 'cause I still have tears in my eyes...
Gotta print it for my wife-the best explanation why when I say something will take me an hour I really need four... :D

:D :D :D :D !!!!

Loved it! Thanks!

I was worried that I was the only one who found the manual as cryptic as it seems!

When I see three or more spanners...I just head to the dealership! ;)

Now that just sounds WAY too much like me and yesterday :eek: :D

I'm laughing my ass off!!!

Personally, I think Chiltons manuals make great kindling :D I like my Haynes manual, though...

I assume that "molegrip" = "vise-grips"? ;)

Get me a BFH, a pair of vise-grips, a 4-in-1 screwdriver, a can of WD-40, and some duct tape, and I'll fix anything you want! :D :D :D

Bah! Real Men only need two things. If it doesn't move, and it's supposed to...use WD-40. If it moves, and it's not supposed to, use duct tape.

I prefer bentley manuals, when I can get them.

When it comes to my Benz I prefer WHunter, PEH, Leatherman, Larry Bible and the rest of the crew on Diesel Discussion.

I knew there was a langauge barrier when I read that the foam air filter should be washed in "parafin". Now, to us in the US, parafin is wax, commonly used to seal jars of preserves- and not good for airflow. In British, its simply what we call kerosene.

Those translation pages of British to American did make some rather humorous bathroom reading. Sorry Brits I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.

Thanks, I thought I was the only one. I like to just keep the manuals in the garage in case friends are ever in there so they think I know what I'm doing.

"Oh, yeah, that's easy, man. You've never done it? I'd offer to help but I'm, a, real busy that day. Could you give me a ride to my mechanic's shop tomorrow, I need to pick up my car."

It is my laymans opinion that before anyone is allowed to engineer anything (especially automotive) they should have to work on said devices for a minimun of 5 years. Most new vehicles were designed by idiots after lenghty consultations with morons. The thicker the manual, the better a doorstop it makes. :confused:

Oh man, I'm going to have to wait to finish reading this til my stomach stops hurting.

I think I'll go out and see if I have a Haynes manual stashed under my spanners in the boot.

ROYYY-IGHHTT!!