New BMW Owner: - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

hill · #1 02-04-2004, 11:24 PM

Please no flaming.

:p
New BMW Owner:

Congratulations on the purchase of your new automobile!
We're sure that it will provide you with the utmost in driving
pleasure and lifestyle enhancement.

However, we must inform you that there are certain minimum
requirements that a BMW customer must meet in order to
retain ownership of his or her vehicle. Specifically, as a first
time owner, you must take and pass the following classes,
offered by your local BMW dealer:

* ARR 101 -- Arrogance
A six week course explaining the details of driving habits,
posture, clothing, and other details that all lead to the arrogant
appearance and demeanor that all BMW owners must present.
$800/person

* AGG 101 -- Aggressiveness
Six weeks of hands-on experience in tailgating, rapid unsignaled
lane changes, speeding, and hard breaking. When you complete
this course you'll be able to merge your car into the tiniest available
spot on the freeway and cause everyone around you to know a
BMW just entered the road, even if they couldn't see you at the
time. $1000/person

* BUD 101 -- Budgeting To Make Your Car Payment
Twelve weeks. $1500/person

If this is a second (or later) BMW, then our requirements include:

* ARR 102 -- Arrogance Refresher
Three weeks of refresher course on arrogance. $650/person

* AGG 102 -- Aggressiveness Refresher
Three weeks of refresher course on aggressiveness. $850/person

* BUD 102 -- Additional Budgeting Skills
12 weeks. This course covers additional budgeting skills including:
* How to buy your teenage child his or her first BMW and
still make the payment on your own.
* The home equity loan -- your friend.
* Selling your house to pay for your car -- you can do it.
* Paying for your BMW owner training classes -- yes, you
have to. $1500/person

These classes must be completed successfully during your first
3 months of ownership, or we will be forced to repossess your
car.

In addition, we offer other classes that you may be interested in
taking. These include:

* LIF 101 -- Living Where Other BMW Owners Live
How to find those neighborhoods where your fellow BMW
owners already live.
Two weeks. $500/person

* MAI 101 -- BMW Maintenance
Four weeks. Basic training in how to open your wallet to pay
BMW mechanics five times the going hourly rate to fix your
car when it breaks. $750/person

* MAI 201 -- Advanced BMW Maintenance
Eight weeks. Admission to this class requires instructor
approval.
Hypno-therapy to ease the process of opening the wallet of
really tough customers.

Please contact your BMW dealer to enroll in your required
classes, and in any of the voluntary classes that appeal to you.

Once again, we appreciate your business and look forward to
taking your money. Happy Driving!

fahrgewehr2 · #2 02-05-2004, 12:11 AM

But will I learn how to drive with my fog lights on, on the brightest of days? Apparently, this shows everyone I am a sophisticated driver.

hill · #3 02-05-2004, 01:24 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by 123c
...and can I learn how to honk my horn at slower drivers, and flash my brights...

Only if your in the right hand lane and the car in front of you is doing 65 in a 55 and your exit is less than a 1/4 mile away!
Real story

Zeitgeist · #4 02-05-2004, 11:59 AM

Question: What's the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine?

Answer: The Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Former Bimmers:
'76 2002
'84 318i
'73 R 75/5

Current:
'78 R 80/7

rickg · #5 02-05-2004, 12:47 PM

just emailed that to a cousin of mine looking to buy a BMW

Peyton300TD · #6 02-07-2004, 10:47 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by PaulC
I have to admit that when I drive a BMW, I feel like a horse that has just been allowed to roam in a fresh-air pasture after being cooped up in a stall for a few weeks. YEEEEHAAAAH! Bring on MedMech's Modena! (so he can smoke me as if I'm driving with the parking brake on)

You can't drive a 7 on an interstate at 65. It's torture. 80 is the stall speed on this craft.

ditto!

Hatterasguy · #7 02-07-2004, 10:21 PM

Yep PaulC can't own a BMW without a large speeding ticket fund.

Hatterasguy · #8 02-07-2004, 10:32 PM

One of my good friends had a 735IL, I don't think he ever went below 90 on the highway! I loved rideing with him you would not believe the time you can make at 105+.

Bridgeport to Milford in 6 1/2 min flat. Guns and Roses "Paridise City" was starting when we got on and ending at exit 40 when we got off.

Peyton300TD · #9 02-08-2004, 11:41 AM

this is my first bimmer. even the 1999 740i we have now has the same engine growl and shares a lot of the same feels. these are just plain old FUN cars. period.

#10 02-08-2004, 11:47 AM

all I have is this

(keep in mind the gauges are my spares out of an e not my i)
They are no different from Mercedes they seems to settle in at high speeds and do so with ease. The only things I like more about the BMW is the 5 Speed and driver geared cockpit.
But I did like your post hill