[JOKE] Is this the difference between Republicans and Democrats?

[sfloriII]

A friend of mine sent this to me today. Enjoy!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.

You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and said, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but,
somehow, it's my fault."

[Old300D]

LOL! The "Republican" sounds more like an engineer - a real Republican would never give such a direct answer. :p

[KirkVining]

American History 101

It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death' ?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki's

"Patrick Henry 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said '...government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"

Again, no response, except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki raised his hand: "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point a student said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Who said that?"

Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps up waving his hand and shouts, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

With near mob hysteria, someone screams, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki yells, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

At this, the teacher fainted. The class gathered around her.

One of the kids says, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble!"

Suzuki says, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."

[KirkVining]

Bush's Propaganda Tour

During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 3 questions":

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Another boy, Joey, stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions":

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist
attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. And what happened to Bobby?

[mikemover]

Originally posted by sfloriII
A friend of mine sent this to me today. Enjoy!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.

You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and said, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but,
somehow, it's my fault."

EXCELLENT! Can I use that one?!

Mike

[sfloriII]

Hi Mikemover,

Of course, the joke's all yours.

KirkVining,

I like the first one!

I think the students in the second joke weren't taught that we live in a republic, not a democracy. But it'd be nice if this turned into a political joke thread, not another ponderous argument thread.

[KirkVining]

[Botnst]

Originally posted by Old300D
LOL! The "Republican" sounds more like an engineer - a real Republican would never give such a direct answer. :p

Fist time I rec'd this joke several years ago the guy was an engineer and the woman was a lawyer. I've also rec'd it with the two parties reverse, businessman and gov employee (several times), etc.

Bot

[KirkVining]

BAGHDAD—As the Coalition Provisional Authority prepares to hand power over to an Iraqi-led interim government on June 30, CPA administrator L. Paul Bremer publicly touted the success of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

"As the Coalition's rule draws to a close, the numbers show that we have an awful lot to be proud of," Bremer said Tuesday. "As anyone who's taken a minute and actually looked at the figures can tell you, the vast majority of Iraqis are still alive—as many as 99 percent. While 10,000 or so Iraqi civilians have been killed, pretty much everyone is not dead."

According to U.S. Department of Defense statistics, of the approximately 24 million Iraqis who were not killed, nearly all are not in a military prison. Bremer said "a good number" of those Iraqis who are in jail have been charged with a crime, and most of them have enjoyed a prison stay free of guard-dog attacks, low-watt electrocutions, and sexual humiliation.

U.S. Brig. Gen. Mark Kimmitt explained the coalition's accomplishments in geographical terms.


"There are vast sections of the country where one can go outside unarmed during the daylight hours," Kimmitt said, speaking from a heavily guarded base outside of Baghdad. "Even in cities where fighting has occurred, many neighborhoods have not been torn apart by gunfire. And, throughout the country, more towns than I could name off the top of my head have never been touched by a bomb at all."

Kimmitt said the bulk of the nation's public buildings are still standing.

"Throughout the nation, four out of five mosques have not been obliterated," Kimmitt said. "That's way, way, way more than half. Also, 80 percent of the nation's treasures and artifacts have not been destroyed by artillery or stolen in the widespread looting. If we were in school, that'd be a B-minus."

Halliburton executive vice-president and CFO C. Christopher Gaut described the progress of his company's reconstruction efforts.

"Of the millions of civilian homes that are still standing, many have electricity for hours each day," Gaut said. "The loss of $200 million in profits resulting from oil-line sabotage pales in comparison to the millions of dollars that remaining lines are generating. And a good portion of southern Iraq currently has access to fuel. Once we get the lines in the north repaired, oil fields will be operating at more than two-thirds of their former capacity."

Gaut added: "Many of the hospitals have reopened, and a good number of the schools have started holding classes at regularly scheduled hours, too."


Above: Two Iraqis from Tikrit who are very much alive.
Charles Sawyer, a State Department official serving as a liaison between coalition forces and the Iraqi interim government, said that no Americans have been killed in Fallujah since the coalition ceded control of the region to an Iraqi brigade.

"Less than 10 contractors have been murdered, publicly mutilated, or had their remains hung from a bridge since the end of March," Sawyer said. "And nearly three quarters of the foreign-born contract workers taken hostage in the last six months have not been killed. Also, contrary to headlines that claim there are problems with Iraq's internal law enforcement, more than half of Iraqi police officers have not deserted."

U.S. Army Gen. John P. Abizaid gave a positive assessment of the status of U.S. troops in Iraq.

"Yesterday alone, 137,980 American troops were not killed," Abizaid said. "All in all, if we keep on like this, more than 90 percent of the brave men and women serving in Iraq will return home to see their families again."

Iraq's new prime minister, Iyad Allawi, agreed that the situation in his soon-to-be-independent nation is improving.

"Of the 25 members of the Iraqi Governing Council, 23 survived until the group was replaced last month," Allawi said. "Nine out of 10 times, death threats against those who cooperate with coalition efforts do not end in actual murders."

However, Allawi added that, despite the wishes of most of his countrymen, the vast majority of American troops deployed to Iraq are still there.

[Botnst]

Originally posted by KirkVining

The Onion.

My Heroes!

B

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

Republicans are likely to have fewer but larger debts that cause them no concern.

Democrats have a lot of small bills. They don't worry either.

Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paintbrushes.

Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate. Republicans wear theirs.

Republicans post all the signs saying "No Trespassing" and "Trespassers will be prosecuted." Democrats bring picnic baskets and start their bonfires with the signs.

Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.

Republicans have governesses for the children. Democrats have grandmothers.

Democrats name their children after currently popular sport figures, politicians or entertainers. Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where most of the money is.

Large cities such as Detroit are filled with Republicans until 5 p.m. At this point there is a phenomenon much like an automatic washer starting the spin cycle. People begin pouring out of every exit. These are Republicans going home.

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.

Republicans fish from the stern of a chartered boat. Democrats sit on the deck and let the fish come to them.

Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.

Republicans study the financial pages of a newspaper. Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

Christmas cards the Democrats send are filled with reindeer and chimneys and long messages. Republicans select cards containing a spray of holly, or a single candle.

Republicans have guest rooms. Democrats have spare rooms filled with old baby furniture.

Republican boys date Democrat girls. They plan to marry Republican girls but they feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Democrats purchase all the tools--the power saws and the mowers. A Republican probably wouldn't know how to use a screwdriver.

Democrats suffer from chapped hands and headaches. Republicans have tennis elbow and gout.

Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate bedrooms. That is why there are more Democrats than Republicans.

[Honus]

Originally posted by MedMech
Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.

I don't know about this one. For example, who needs to draw his shades more, Jimmy Carter or Jack Ryan, the Illinois Republican who just dropped his candidacy for Senate?

Speaking of Jack Ryan, there are two things that strike me about his recent troubles. First, if you were married to Jeri Ryan, wouldn't you do whatever she wanted? Second, the kinky sex thing that just came out wasn't the only reason that jerk dropped out of the race. He was already damaged goods because he had a campaign worker stalk his Democratic opponent with a video camera. Everywhere the Democrat went, Ryan's guy had a video camera in his face, sometimes being only inches away. He had the stalking stopped after some fellow Republicans informed him that the whole thing was creeping them out. Gee, a Republican without any sense of right and wrong. Imagine that.