A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine," asked the
lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the
stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad
and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After
he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me,
and
said "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?"

good one!

>> A young man graduated from the University of Minnesota
>> with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the
>> newspaper that hired him was to write a human-interest story. Being
>> from Minnesota, he went back to the country to do his research. He
>> went
>> to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced
>> himself and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.
>>
>> The young man asked, "What's the most exciting thing that ever
>> happened around here?"
>>
>> The farmer thought for a minute and said, " One time one of my
>> neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then
>> we all screwed it and took it back home."
>>
>> "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
>> anything else exciting that happened?"
>>
>> After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my
>> neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We
>> formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all
>> screwed her, we took her back home."
>>
>> Again, the young man said "I can't print that either.
>> Okay let try something else. What's the most terrible thing
>> that ever happened around here?"
>>
>> The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up
>> timidly at the young man and said,
>>
>> "I got lost once."

One time there was two farmers that lived out on the road to Carico. They was always good friends, and Bill's oldest boy had been a-sparking one of Sam's daughters. Everything was going fine till the morning they met down by the creek, and Sam was pretty goddam mad. "Bill," says he, "from now on I don't want that boy of yours to set foot on my place."

"Why, what's he done?" asked the boy's daddy.

"He pissed in the snow, that's what he done, right in front of my house!"

But surely, there ain't no great harm in that," Bill says.

"No harm!" hollered Sam. "Hell's fire, he pissed so it spelled Lucy's name, right there in the snow!"

"The boy shouldn't have done that," says Bill. "But I don't see nothing so terrible bad about it."

"Well, by God, I do!" yelled Sam. "There was two sets of tracks! And besides, don't you think I know my own daughter's handwriting?"

__________________

That was great, Bot. Thanks. BTW, I'm buying a GPS this afternoon . .

__________________
" We have nothing to fear but the main stream media itself . . . ."- Adapted from Franklin D Roosevelt for the 21st century

OBK #55

1998 Lincoln Continental - Sold
Max 1984 300TD 285,000 miles - Sold
The Dee8gonator 1987 560SEC 196,000 miles - Sold
Orgasmatron - 2006 CLS500 90,000 miles
2002 C320 Wagon 122,000 miles
2016 AMG GTS 12,000 miles

A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings "

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings "

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs ."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a bar*****youate

the last time i heard that it ended like this. someone had writtne "F&ck nixon in the snow outside the whitehouse. head of the fbi: (to RMN) i have good news and bad news, mr president. the good news is we did a urnie test and found out who the perpitrator is"....nixon." who is it?" g man : "henry kissinger" ...nixon."really? well i am glad you found out that....what is the bad news?" g man: "well, mr president, our handwriting analyst says it is Pat's handwriting"

good joke though.

tom w

__________________
[SIGPIC] Diesel loving autocrossing grandpa Architect. 08 Dodge 3/4 ton with Cummins & six speed; I have had about 35 benzes. I have a 39 Studebaker Coupe Express pickup in which I have had installed a 617 turbo and a five speed manual.[SIGPIC]

..I also have a 427 Cobra replica with an aluminum chassis.

Hey, I remember that version, too!

we are showing our age.

tom w

12/29/48

__________________
[SIGPIC] Diesel loving autocrossing grandpa Architect. 08 Dodge 3/4 ton with Cummins & six speed; I have had about 35 benzes. I have a 39 Studebaker Coupe Express pickup in which I have had installed a 617 turbo and a five speed manual.[SIGPIC]

..I also have a 427 Cobra replica with an aluminum chassis.

Yeah, like this perennial chestnut.

Old Jewish guy is walking thru Central Park one late afternoon,in a secluded spot he's approached by a whore who says"hey mister,i'll give you a B.J. for just $50.00"

"fifty dollars!"yells Sol,"you're crazy,$30.00 is what i'll pay".

Whore replies,"listen pal,I'll split the difference with you,$40.00"

Everything is going fine,the old man's gun finally went off and he started pissing in her mouth.

She yelled,while spitting and wiping her face"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR!"

Sol says,"I figured for the extra ten bucks I might as well not make it a total loss".................

__________________

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

> >A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated
> >him out of ten million bucks.
> >
> >His bookkeeper is deaf.
> >
> >That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It
> >was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything
> >that he might have to testify about in court.
> >
> >When the godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his
> >missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows
> >sign language.
> >
> >The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10
> >million bucks he embezzled from me is."
> >
> >The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where
> >the money is.
> >
> >The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are
> >talking about."
> >
> >The attorney tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know
> >what you're talking about."
> >
> >The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the
> >bookkeeper's temple, and says, "Ask him again!"
> >
> >The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you
> >don't tell him!"
> >
> >The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a
> >brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
> >backyard in Queens!"
> >
> >The godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
> >
> >The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to
> >pull the trigger."

An oil company land man pulls up in the farmer's drive and tells his that his firm has been doing test in the area and they believe that that there is a large deposit of oil under the farmer's property. The farmer reckons how that is pretty good, they sign the papers and the drilling rig shows up a few days later.

The rig goes down 5k feet, then 10k, 15k, and finally at 21k feet the land man says that they must have made a mistake and that his crew will be back tomorrow to cement in the hole.

The farmer reckons on how a 21k ft. hole might be just the place to put the new outhouse that he has been thinking about building. He tells the oil man to leave the hole.

Some months later the oil man is back in the area and stops in to see the farmer. He can't find the farmer but he sees this brand new two holer on top of the dry hole. He opens the door and nearly passes out from fright. In the outhouse is this wizzened up old man's body, eyes all bugged out, cheeks all caved in. Off goes the oil man to find the farmer.

He finally locates him in the barn and tell him what he has found. The farmer tells him not to worry that that is just Grandpa playing his little game.

"Little game", says the oil man. "What the hell are you talking about"?

"Well", says the farmer. "Grandpa likes to hold his breath 'till he hears it hit".

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. "Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers, and placed his Jeansonne and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... "I'll try it--Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"