"People are strange, aren't they. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in."

"1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck."

"When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead."