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dmorrison · #50 11-30-2004, 03:06 AM

You have a situation on your hands. Hope it works out for all of you

I have 2 children, 21 and 19. I had professional help rasing them, in the person of my wife. She is an Art Educatoin Major and really knows what kids need and want. She taught me how to have the patients to be a Father
I would recommend professional help. For both your stepson and the 2 parents he has, you and your wife. Either a group or a professional is not going to solve the problem. They are going to provide the tools for you 3 to solve the problem.
Depression does sound like a possibility but I'm wondering if he has become depressed due to a lack of accomplishment. You try something and fail and go on to the next item and fail and after a while you figure why try??
This is a conditional depression that can be stopped, but only with hard work and small goals.
I agree with webwrench's idea that maybe your stepson needs small goals and an advocate, that would be you and your wife, there to help him. At that age, life can be overwelming especially if you have not accomplished a lot in your years. And now you want him to take on the world, quite a lot of things all at once. He may be overwelmed with it all, and doesn't know how to get out of this rut.
This will require special guidance by either a patient stepfather and mother or a Professional. My son, 21, is very succesful at what he is trying at this point in his life, but at times I still see that he needs guidance and a person who can lead him through new accomplishments ( And boys in general will not talk about their fears and insecurities. We usually have to pull it out of our son, whereas our daughter will talk your ear off.) . I think we all need help and guidance at times no matter what our age. Maybe your step son needs guidance. Firm and directing, but gentle guidance. By posting on this forum it shows that you care and will find the right tools to undertake the job.

You and your wife will have to sit down with him. Plan what will be done and establish some kind of timetable for it. Be flexible with the timetable between you and your wife but let him think it is firm. Get the drivers permit, help him with the studying. But foremost LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU ARE THERE FOR HIM. Not to do it for him but to help him and teach him. My wife and I did this with our kids school. We checked their homework everynight. Didn't do it for them but checked it and had them correct the errors and understand WHY it was wrong. This taught them study habit patterns that they use to this day. When my son was in 10th grade he had studying figured out, no more homework checking and he got straight A's. He had developed the skill of studying, what to study, and how much so he could maintain the A's. My daughter did this in 11th grade.
You need to work with your stepson to develop these skills of obtaining goals. What it takes and how much work to put into each one.
Try to remove yourself from the emotional attachment we get with our children. Just do the task of teaching him. This is a technique used in the Boy Scouts. Provide a direction with established rules that are known and followed by everyone. Each Scout developed at his own pace.
Most important is for you and your wife to have a unified front. Follow the rules and provide consistant guidance to him. Life is easier when we know the rules and they don't change. So its up to you two to provide this consistant leadership.

Music. You have mentioned this numerous times. Either it is an escape, which is common for teenagers, or he has a true love of music. Search out avenues for him to express his love of music. He does not have to be a Beethoven. There are plenty of jobs in the music industry that do not involve playing instruments. See how far his interest goes. Contact a radio stattion about a tour and talk to some people in the industry with him. A possibility is the High School music teacher, I know he won't like that but it may be a source of information for you.

Again, let me say I do think you need professional help to find the right direction for the 3 of you. Let the professionals help you find the right tools to get your stepson moving in the right direction. The High School may be able to get you going, as a start, in the right direction. They face this all the time.

Dave