A few random jokes from the late Mitch Hedberg:

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it

An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs.

I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!

In this world of emails and SMS, I have noticed that many who text messages and emails have forgotten the 'art' of capitalisation.



Those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse”.

I cannot stress enough that proper use of grammar can be most important.

Seen in a mens room:

Joke written in sharpie pen

Below the joke, "Why are you laughing, the joke is in your hand."

Siamese twins walk into a bar…
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.”

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”

“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.

“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country… the history, the beer, the culture…”

“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John. “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”

“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.

“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet
started, but here's the TRUE story ....

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did
take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called....... Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from
town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short
of a camel load - but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between
to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you
who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by.... Uriah's Pony
Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to
move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called
Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a
language to transmit ideas and pictures - .....Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself
inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business.
But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that
enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every
drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother
Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be
known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot ....replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO", said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young.. Gregarious Energetic Educated
Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around
the countryside.
It soon became known as.... God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything
(GOOGLE).

And that is how it all began. So now you know.

SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of you 'Old Folks' (over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combination's DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

Nope, you're wrong on #1. A nose ring is the perfect spot to hang those reading glasses you can never find.

Politically incorrect, but funny
 

President Bush, decides to leave the Ranch and go out to sit in a local Crawford bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'


The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs..

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big boobs?

Why kill a blonde with big boobs?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says,

'See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims'.

Inappropriate ethnic humor

BEST COME BACK LINE EVER

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white
male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was
charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public
intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way
home from a drinking session when he decided to stop;

'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around';

He stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose;
cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I
was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment



In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer
Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I
walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence .


'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with
a pumpkin'?


'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said...
'A pumpkin? **** .... is it midnight already?'

This was in the Washington Post...the title of the article was 'Best
Come Back Line Ever.'

Back to good old English humour.

Only in Britain - Complaints to Councils - extracts from letters written to local councils:

1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.


6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it"s now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
Warning !!!!
If you are thin skinned or easily offended best you dont read my jokes !! Just click the little X in the red box in the top RH corner.





















The Obedient Wife
There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all
of his money, & was a real
miser when it came to his
money.

Just before he died, he said
to his wife,"When I die, I want
you to take all my money and
put it in the casket with me. I
want to take my money to the
afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. L

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with
her; she came over with the box
and put it in the casket. Then
the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said,
"Girl, I know you were not
foolish enough to put all that
money in there with your
husband."

The loyal wife replied,
"Listen, I'm a Christian;
I cannot go back on my word.
I promised him that I was
going to put that money into
the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put
that money in the casket with
him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife.
"I got it all together, put it into
my account, and wrote him a Cheque..... If he can cash it,
then he can spend it."

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O 'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself; didn't you have something in your hand?"

“That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Ground: "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

Pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Ground "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?

*****

This Brit goes to Australia for a tourist trip and on the border they ask him if he had ever stayed in jail or had been arrested. So he says: "I did not know that was still required." (Thanks, Rich!)

*****

A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"

The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"

*****

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.
The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas!
Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
I scream the same way whether I'm about to be eaten by a shark
or seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go,
others whenever they go.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it is like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."