It's the level of stress.




You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your

car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you

are going to be a father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is

getting very stressful,

So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and

probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!

STELLA AWARDS:


It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with
these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico ,
where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee
and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one
could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the
most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of
cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.


Here are the Stellas for this past year -- 2010:


*SEVENTH PLACE*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by
the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son

Start scratching!


* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he
was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...


* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had
just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the
automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage
door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door
connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.
Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of
Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance
company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the
insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all
have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..


*FOURTH PLACE*

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's
when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the
butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a
chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked
for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the
time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the
yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot.


* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled
soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the
floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during
an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own
actions?




*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a
nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking
out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through
the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said
the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go
figure.


Ok. Here we go!!


* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv
Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago
motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven
on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich..
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the
cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals
as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who
might also buy a motor home.

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

*** THE KNOB ***
 

A few years back, a woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the person's head and with then, a little turn, the idividual can tighten up the skin and self-produce the effects of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful...the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

But then, after fifteen years, the woman had to return to the surgeon...this time, with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many, many times and I've always loved the results. But now, I've developed two annoying problems: The first problem I'm having is...I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her very closely and then said, "Those aren't bags. Those are your breasts."

With a surprised look on her face, then a simple sigh of resignation, she said, "Well doc, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

strip tease !!!
 

:eek:

You all get to guess who the guy in the clip is !!!! ;););)

:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P

http://www.worktobejudged.com/strippause/peca.html

Engineers and bikes
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Half full or half empty?
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Golfing engineers
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Differences
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Three engineers meet
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

If it ain't broke...
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

In memory of the Clk man
 

just after the BBQ,
man sitting at home
on the verandah
with his wife and he says,
"I love you."


She asks,
"Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies,
"It's me............. talking to the beer."

For the benefit of our younger members, its important to know these things !!! :eek::eek:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7AZPaHZRY4


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQzf8lHuYPo&playnext=1&list=PLD66EBEE7E8E4BBAC

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and after wards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast... They had a wonderful, wonderful time.....

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings... The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .



Wait for it. .



It's coming. ..




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She says:


'You just happened to catch my eye.' :D :D :D :D :D

Working around Engineers all the time over at PU I really had a great laugh on this one!:P

The other day the local police department broken into a neighboring house to arrest a dangerous crackhead.

The suspect was identified as OM603. :P

Aaaah, engineers. They really are their own breed :D

What's green and smells like Miss Piggy?






wait for it...........



Kermit's finger.

Waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.


Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"


So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.


Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ...the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off the A120."!!!!

Just in case you’re planning to do a little cooking... 2 opposing thoughts !!





To keep potatoes from budding,
Place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.






Buy Smash mashed potato mix.
Keeps in the cupboard for up to a year.







When a cake recipe calls for flouring
The baking tin, use a bit of dry cake
Mix instead and there won't be any
White mess on the outside of the cake.




Go to the bakery!
Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!














Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting
In the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.



Celery?
Never heard of it!














Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and
Rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.






Take a lime, mix it with tequila,
Chill and drink! All your pains go away!







Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future use
In casseroles and sauces.



Leftover wine???????
HELLO!!!!!!

Person1 and person2 go to a large city to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Person1 missed the tube and person2 came on the bus!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Person1was sitting next to Person2 on a plane.. Person2 ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked person1 if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Person2 handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


A personcalls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Person replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


Person1 and person2 are working on a building site.

Person1 says to Person2 "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!

I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Person2 watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Person1 you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Person2 starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says person2.




------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


The bridegroom takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says the bridegroom. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------


Q. What's a certain person and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------


The electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not

servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


The boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on a beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which the BF said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------


Husband and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like

mad in the garden. Husband says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Husband replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


A farmer is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


Person1 and person2 are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery..

Person1 say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Person2 says "What's his name ?"

Person1 replies "Miles, from London !"

Inappropriate ethnic humor tw