*** Too helpful or just a "better way"...??? ***
 

Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke.

The first hillbilly asks her, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

The hillbilly asks her "Kin ya breathe?"

Woman shakes her head no.

So the hillbilly walks over, lifts up her dress, yanks down her britches and licks her butt cheek. :eek:

The woman has a violent spasm and spits out the food.

The hillbilly's buddy says "Ya know, I heerd of that there hind-lick maneuver but I aint niver seed nobody do it..." :rolleyes: :D

*** The 3 Ghosts of "O's" Future... ***
 

Obama wakes up one night, and there, standing at the foot of his bed, is George Washington's ghost! Obama says, "George, how can I help this country?"

Washington replies, "Be honest with the people like I was!"

Obama goes back to sleep and a while later, awakens again. This time its' Thomas Jefferson's ghost! Obama then asks, "Tom how can I help this country?"

Jefferson says, "Love the Constitution like I did!"

Obama goes back to sleep, but again, he awakes and this time he sees Abe Lincoln's ghost. He again asks, "Abe, how can I help this country?"

Abe replies, "Go see a play."

*** One lump, or two? ***
 

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohamed?" he asks.

"No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohamed is higher up."

Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohamed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohamed?"

"Why no," he answers, "I am Moses; Mohamed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he climbs the ladder yet again.

He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohamed?"

"No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohamed higher up."

"Mohamed higher than Jesus? Man, oh man!" Obama can hardly contain his delight and thoughts and he then continues onward, he climbs and climbs ever higher.

Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question: "Are you Mohamed?" he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?"

Obama says, "Yes, please!"

As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: "Hey, Mohamed, two coffees!"

*** "Uhhhhh...what just happened?" ***
 

.
.
THE QUESTION


Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers Question Time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, what happened to all of those jobs you were going to create?
Third, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Fourth, why don't you enforce our current immigration laws?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

Following the recess period, they resume where they left off...Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right. Question Time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions:

First, why did the USA bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, what happened to all of those jobs you were going to create?
Third, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Fourth, why don't you enforce our current immigration laws?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

.

THE QUEEN'S RIDDLE
 

OK since we're into OB bashing.


Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question.

"Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin out dining one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "Why, that's easy, Joe. It's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama eyeballed his vice president up and down, fuming, frowning hard and finally shouting angrily, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON , D.C.

I think this one's been done on this thread already...but it still is a tickler... :thumbsup:

Might even have been me, I got it in an e-mail from a friend.

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she
slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind
her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in
half!'
The nun fainted.

For the Girls ;

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Women's Guild decided on this 'all girls' trip. It will be my first one and I can't wait.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3


At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
----------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.


Twice.

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk.. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know *****?'

Fondling in Bed

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in the bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and the began moving down past the small of her back.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote".

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada .

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Vancouver , says, "My answer is, there is no answer."

The second, from Toronto , says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.

The third one from Newfoundland says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a fire-fighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire-fighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the fire-fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father,it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied:

"Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."