Politically correct ethnic joke
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Canadian, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a New Zealander, a Frenchman, a Chinaman, a Fijian and an African all went to a night club together.

The bouncer said: "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

The First Time !
It was my first time ever

And I'll never forget

I'd do it again

Without a single regret.

The sky was dark

The moon was high

We were all alone

Just she and I.

Her hair was soft

Her eyes were blue

I knew just what

She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft

Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers

Down her spine.

I didn't know how

But I tried my best

I started by placing

My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear

My fast beating heart

But slowly she spread

Her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame

All at once

The white stuff came.

At last it's finished

It's all over now

My first time ever














At milking a cow...


& what were you thinking ???

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.


As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.


With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.


Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.

The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.


'What in bag?' asked the old woman.


Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.


Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade'

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
BY JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing
the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya
and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the *******s." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The
barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the
final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
__________________

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500,' he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
__________________

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said to him, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this "first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' the old man
replied, 'Yep none of us could get the jar open.

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal Town. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

> Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.

To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said Paddy, truly proud of himself .................... 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy!'

An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'

TV Remote
The wife and I were at home watching TV. I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"
__________________

Q; What did the cyclone say to the coconut palm?

A; Hold on to you nuts this is no ordinary blow job!

An American Indian goes in to the general store on the Reservation.

He's standing there looking at the large variety of toilet papers on sale.

The store keeper asks if he needs any help.

He says he needs toilet paper but isn't too flush with money at the moment.

The store keeper advises him to take the "No Name" toilet paper as he'll get 12 rolls for less money than 8 rolls of the branded paper.

The Indian buys the No Name toilet paper and goes home.

The very next morning he's back in looking at the toilet papers again.

The store guy recognizes him and says "Weren't you in here yesterday and bought the No Name toilet paper?

The Indian says "yeah and I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. It should be called John Wayne Toilet Paper".

The store guys says "Why?"

The reply is "Because it's rough, tough and don't take no ***** off Indian"...
__________________

A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book.
The KGB says 'What are you reading old man?' The old man says 'I am trying to teach myself Hebrew.'
KGB says 'Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa
for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done.'
'I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to
speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven.'
the old man replies.
'But what if when you die you go to Hell?' asks KGB.
And the old man replies, 'Russian, I already know.'

Jesus Knows You're Here

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaking out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler ........ Jesus.
__________________

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

During the floods in a small town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy.

As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old sweat-stained hat go past.
Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned and went downstream.
After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back. They watched as it did this a number of times.

Do you see that hat? said the girl in amazement. First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back,
then goes back downstream and then it comes back again.

Oh, it isn't that amazing, it's only my Dad, replied the boy.
This morning my Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today!