A Scot sergeant major goes into a druggist's store in Edinburgh with a limp condom with a few holes in it. He asks the clerk "how much would it cost to repair this?"

The clerk examines it for a while and says "for 33 pence we can repiar the leaks and put a new elastic on the end, but for 35 pence I can sell you a new one."

The sergeant major frowns and says "Mon, that is a weighty decision, I'll be back tomorrow."

The next morning the sergeant major enters the store and announces "The regiment voted to replace."

Only a Farm Kid...



When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.


A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

A Good Point...




A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up my date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together enough money to take her to a very nice restaurant.


She ordered the most expensive items on the menu.


Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Champagne.


I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"


"No," she replied.. "but my mother's not expecting a r##t tonight."
I said "enjoy your meal"...

Grandma's Oranges

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

The policeman fainted.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.



"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."



After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.



After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those *****es sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY…

Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.


Women are angels, but when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly on a broomstick. We’re flexible like that.

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist, and I know

I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered a tender and artful massage for several long moments And asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

Four old retired blokes are walking down a street. They turned a corner and see a sign that says,
'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 50p. They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.



The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room. 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?


There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis.....shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 50p each please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other...they can't believe their good luck.

They pay the £2, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's £2, please..'
They pay the £2, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a fiver..

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for 50p each?'
'I'm a retired tailor,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for £30 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 50p - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired farts from the Caravan Park down the road, they're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price!'

A New Zealander has just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Three Cajuns go down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.



The first one, Henri, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I just graduated from Nichols State in Thibodaux, Louisiana and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for Henri's forgiveness, and release him.



The second, Gaston, is strapped in and gives his last words, "I just graduated from McNeese State in Lake Charles, Louisiana and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for his forgiveness, and release him.



The last one, Boudreaux, is strapped in and he says, "Well, den, I'm from the University of Louisiana in Lafayette and I just graduated wit ma degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this ting in."

Patrick was spotted driving along the highway at a steady speed,
when he suddenly indicated right and pulled off onto the shoulder
. He quickly jumped out of the car and opened the trunk.
From a large bag, he produced a party hat, streamers,
a bottle of lemonade, several sandwiches and a cake.
After eating the food and drinking the lemonade,
he launched into a little Irish jig.
The whole proceedings lasted about fifteen minutes,
after which he got back in his car and drove off.
Curious, the police officer, who'd watched from a distance, followed him.
Half an hour later, they saw him stop and repeat the whole procedure.
This was too much for the officers,
so they decided to check him out
. "Can we ask you the reason for all the stops
and the food, drink and Irish jigs?" one of the officers asked.
"Well, sir," explained Patrick, "I'm on the company outing."
"But you're the only one here," argued the officer.
"Yes, I know," replied Patrick. "I'm self-employed!"

Think before you speak...


Here are 5 reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?


Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back

My husband didn't say a word ... he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store

that sold a variety of candy and nuts.


As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.


I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.


The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.


To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

THIRD TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided

to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.


I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks

of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.


I told her that if she did not start behaving right now" she would be punished.



To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just

as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma

that I saw you kissing Daddy's willy last night!"


The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.


Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.


I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.


The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?


My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.


One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch, in between errands.



It was very busy, with a full dining room.


While enjoying my burger, I smelled something funny, so of course

I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.


Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.


I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".


I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,

and I don't have any clothes with me."



Then I said, Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"


"No," he replied.



I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the

smell was getting worse.



Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have

an accident ?



This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over,

spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"


While 30 people nearly choked to death on their food laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.


An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan in America laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.


What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!


We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed

to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:


"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"


Not only did he have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

on my birthday a few years back 10 or so. we got hit at a stop light. Rear ended.

we go to me grandmums place and she says "Grandma We got rear ended. From behind!" We never let her forget that.

Von Neumann and Nobert Weiner were both the subject of many dotty
professor stories. Von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply
writing answers to homework assignments on the board (the method
of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked how to solve
problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem.
Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered,
"Yes.".

Weiner was in fact very absent minded. The following story is told
about him: When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing
that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to
MIT while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he would
forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down
the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally,
in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in
his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea,
and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went
home (to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there
he realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had
moved to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone.
Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street
and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying,
"Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner and we've just
moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young
girl replied, "Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget."

so, a seal walks into a club.......

T:Dhat sound very familiar to me for some reason.