A man goes into a Book shop and asks the young female clerk, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title."

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "That's the one. I'll take a copy."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having s** with me
because she can't afford batteries!

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

The wife suggested I get myself one of those d**k enlargers, so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

A doctor in Dublin wanted a day off to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.



"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".



"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.



The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"



Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."



"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.



"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.



"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.



"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a gorgeous young woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting, including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"



"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.



"I put drops in her eyes."

An Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam.

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy *****!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar
stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the
hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year,
rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history,
the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and
Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English -
they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.









I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.


Those are my rules.. Any comments?'


His new bride said:


'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

************************************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!


The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'


'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)

A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.


After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'


'In bed this early, doing what?'


'Getting a second opinion!'



*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.


One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,








'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'










*****************************************
Marriage (PART V)
The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.


Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.


The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.



The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'



Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


*****************************************


God may have created man before woman, but there

is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

*** "AND IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT 98 POUNDS..." ***
 

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and he's pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee...

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then...just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the hell was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up. Disappear for rest of day."

THIS IS VERY VERY WORTHWHILE SO READ TO THE END PLEASE


While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too so, I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.


"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy....the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed!

Throughout his long career as a circumcision specialist, the surgeon had saved his patients' foreskins as mementos.
His wife wanted to give him a unique souvenir of his career for a retirement gift so she took his collection to a leather artisan and asked him to make something special.
"I'll see what I can do," said the artisan.
A week later, she returned, eager to see what work of art this man had created from this unusual material.
The leathersmith handed her a wallet.
"All those foreskins and you could only make a wallet?" she asked.
The leathersmith replied, "Well, yes. But if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase!"

Just so you all understand !!!

You know you're an Aussie if..........



* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.



* You think it was normal to have a leader called Kevin.





* You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal,



such as watering the garden.





* You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.





* You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.





* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.









* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.





* You call your best friend 'a total b@stard' but someone you really, truly despise is 'a bit of a b@stard'.





* You think 'Yackandandah' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.





* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.





* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.





* You instinctively understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga'



but that 'Woy Woy' can't ever be called 'Woy'.





* You believe that salty Yeast Extract makes a good breakfast spread.. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms..





* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up,



at which point they again become Kiwis.





* You expect beetroot with your Hamburger... Of course!

* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any



rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again', and "Living next door to Alice".





* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.





* You wear ugg boots outside the house.





* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian, but then sold off for a pittance.





* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.





* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.





* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude,
While 'scuse me' is always polite.





* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.





* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.



* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket.



* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.



* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.



* When working at a bar, you understand that

male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.



* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in ''-o'':



arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.



* You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are.



* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like *****. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.



* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.



* You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet

- to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.



* You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man.

And the women make the Salad.



* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.



* You understand what no wucking furries means.



* You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.



* You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.



* You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.



* You know that some people pronounce
Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.



* And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE VICTORIA AIRPORT , WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CALGARY .

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN ; OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY .'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE . THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ :

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE .'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING,'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.' SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL And ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.

IT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CALGARY

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit-but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."