Funny film clip. make sure you watch to the end of the credits !!

BOB on Vimeo

not sure if I like the names or not. Funny though.

Sorry Bob !! I had no say in it !!!! :P:P:D;)

...........

I bet Paul McCartney will be pissed, when he finds out his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his old one! :eek::D

Should a Child Witness Childbirth?
Due to a power cut, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mother so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and patted him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........smack him again!'

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?




The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.



The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..




That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.





The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.





The man says, all right, all right.. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?




The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.




The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.





The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."






The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.




The man reach for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks "May I have the key?"



The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.




Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.






The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...







...silver, topaz, and amethyst.



Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.





The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

















.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

A Police Officer in the UK

Question:
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
First - Lets pose the following question:

You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife,
and lunges at you.You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only
a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:
Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job,
my credibility and the loss of my family home?





AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:

BANG!








AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:



BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'....
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)

Oxymorons

- State worker
- Legally drunk
- Exact estimate
- Act naturally
- Found missing
- Resident alien
- Genuine imitation
- Airline Food
- Good grief
- Government organization
- Sanitary landfill

- Alone together
- Small crowd
- Business ethics
- Soft rock
- Butt Head
- Military Intelligence
- Sweet sorrow
- Rural Metro (ambulance service)
- "Now, then ..."
- Passive aggression
- Clearly misunderstood
- Peace force
- Extinct Life
- Plastic glasses
- Terribly pleased
- Computer security
- Political science
- Tight slacks
- Definite maybe
- Pretty ugly
- Rap music
- Working vacation
- Religious tolerance
- Microsoft Works


Copied from somewhere

A Story of Creation

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light."

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....

At this point, God created Hell.

OUTDOORSMAN

When my Doctor asked me If I led an active life I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a deep lake;

Barely escaped from a wild feral ‘Razor-Back’ Pig in the thick bush;

Marched along a treacherous track up and down a mountain with false crests;

Stood in a patch of itchy, poison bush;

Crawled out of a pit of quicksand;

And then barely escaped jumping away from an aggressive King-Brown snake.”

Inspired by my story, the Doctor said:

"You must be an awesome outdoorsman!”

"No," I replied:


"I'm just a ***** golfer."

BREAKING NEWS!!

To save the economy, on November 6, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.



Old people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home!



I started crying when I thought of you.



RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up
and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't
resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'

A man goes into a bar and drinks beer. After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it. After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every glass of beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it.


Then the man says: It's a picture of my wife.

When she looks good to me I'm going home. That is an example of the "The Power of Beer" Be sure to click where it says "click here" (That's the cute part)


http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00622/beer_goggles_622180a.swf

Dude, that's just wrong. :D