A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem .



While they were there, the wife passed away.



The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150



or we can have her shipped back home for $5000.



The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.



The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"



The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead.



I just can’t take that chance!"

16 reasons why beer should be served at work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates holidays because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are pissed.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting with your ass on the photo-copy machine will no longer be considered unacceptable.

Are you sure about that? It isn't acceptable today? Or is it only if the ass is not found attractive by the person who uses the machine next? Or is it only unacceptable if a brown stain is left on the glass? :confused:

Again, how very graphic of you aklim. :D

16 reasons why weed should be legalized and passed out at work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates holidays because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are stoned.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since they don't have to wait till they're home to toke up.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up, cause they're not getting drunk at lunch.
16. Sitting with your ass on the photo-copy machine will no longer be considered unacceptable, just hilarious.

AN ACTUAL PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ...45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ...... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target .
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc..).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky .Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

Which one is Tom driving ?? :D

http://www.youtube.com/v/Qrpq5A-KAoA

My in-laws live there, and I was in the record setting golf cart parade back in '06... We go to visit and rent a cart instead of a car.

Those cart paths can be tough to navigate late at night after 27 holes of golf and a half dozen glasses of scotch...:D

Two Irishmen decide to go the horse races for fun. They weren't used to betting, so they watched everything very carefully. As the stable boys led the horses out for the first race, they noticed an old priest down by the rail of the track, waiting. As the last horse came by, the priest raised his hand and blessed the last horse, which was a fine bay. The two men decided that was a good omen, and they bet a small amount on the bay. Then they took their seats for the race. The gun went off, and the bay leaped out of the box, took the lead, and won the race. The men were astonished but pleased, and collected their small winnings. Then they settled down to watch the next set of horses being led out. Sure enough, when the last horse was being led past the rail, the priest raised his hand again, and blessed a white horse. Hurriedly the two men bet a slightly larger amount on the white horse, and then took their seats again. The gun went off, the horses came out of the box, and the white horse won handily. The men were elated at having won a substantial sum. Eagerly they watched to see which horse the priest would bless next. The stable boys led the next group out past the rail, and the last horse was a skinny old horse with mangy hair. The priest made the sign of the cross and muttered something. The men looked at each other, and then decided to bet everything they had on the poor-looking horse; the odds were long against him, and if he won they'd never work another day in their lives. They emptied their pockets at the betting window, and then sat down again. The gun went off. The horses leaped out of the box. The mangy horse ran a quarter mile down the track, and then fell down stone cold dead. The men were astonished and dismayed, and made their way down to the priest at the rail. "Father," one said, "We saw you bless the first horse, and he won. Then you blessed the second horse, and he won. But when you blessed the last horse he ran down the track and died without even finishing. What happened?" The priest looked at him like he was an idiot, and finally managed to say, " Faith and begorrah, can't you tell the difference between a blessing and last rites?!"

[this joke was told by our parish priest at a St Patrick's day dinner]

Kurt

A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, cr@p on your grass and wipe it's @ss with your flag!

Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two @ssholes."What? He had two @ssholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two @ssholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two @ssholes".

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".

Message from Stevie Wonder about Whitney Houston's death.

....... .. … … .. …..
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
... ... .. ... .. ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . … .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... .... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . . . ...
....... ... ... ... .. .. ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. .... .. ... .. ....... ...... .....

Deep stuff, hey? I nearly cried when he said, “. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . .... ....”

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
Soaked it in hot water ,still nothing
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!


'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'