GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Green Tree Snakes (Dendrolaphis punctulata) can be dangerous.
Yes, tree snakes or grass snakes, not brown snakes or taipans. Here's why.

A couple in Townsville, had a lot of potted plants.
During a recent cold winter (for Townsville that is!), the wife was bringing some of the valued tender ones indoors to protect them from the cold night.

It turned out that a little green tree snake was hidden in one of the plants.
When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the lounge.
She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the lounge.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.
He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The paramedics rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the lounge and the paramedic saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake.
He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the lounge..
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the lounge in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the lounge.

The neighbour, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at Woolies, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him.
She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.
They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the lounge and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.
The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the curtains.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning curtains and called in the fire brigade.
The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street.
The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! The snake was caught and both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.
AND YOU THINK YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!

I didn't get the punch line, because I fell asleep in the middle of reading this VERY long joke. :D

Australian joke. Much of it would not be clear to non Australians.

A Priest was
about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle
where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one
thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the
chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,
"This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a
rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The
Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a
rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really
flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at
the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..

The
Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching
the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill
these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied,
"My
bike."


ENJOY YOUR DAY and
remember to keep off the roads when riding somebody else's
bicycle. :eek::eek:;);):P:P

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors need to store his blood in case the need arises.



As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.



Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.



The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.





After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.



A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.



His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.





After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a box of quality street chocolates.



The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.



He phoned the Arab & asked him:



"I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only

gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street."





To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage

Bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell

Out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“ Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower

Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,

what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

Why Do I Like Retirement !!!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday



Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.



Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.



Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.



Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.



Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents..



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.



And, my very favourite.....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.


SERENITY



Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied...
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?






Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'






The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs

and have fun finding them.






I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.






I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.






An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Woolworths. 'Woolworths?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Woolworths?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

( you can substitute Walmart in the place of Woolworths)



My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.



These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'






THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference..

This makes my day every time I open it. Thank you friend in the OZ.

Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......


Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 euro please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."

"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cents per second"

"I will never use this bar again"

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".

You are welcome JT !!!!!!!!

ditto!!!!! some of these jokes have wound up on my facebook notes....

WE ARE AUSTRALIANS! ('Nuff said!)

We, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the
occasional w@nker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) And although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to ***** and moan about it whenever we bl##dy like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne,
whose chief marketing pitch is that 'it's livable' ... At least
that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bl##dy cold
and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with suga.
Thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its
capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world
and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their
speedos up their cr@cks to keep the left and right sides of their
brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and
barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a
queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of the
track caused the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work.
WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them
still work there in the Government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos,
Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest
beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminum content of anywhere too. Although the
Territory is the center piece of our national culture, few of us
live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali .

And there's Queensland ... While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed skeptics, it is worth
noting that God probably made Queensland - it's beautiful one day
and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dick-heads remains a
mystery.

Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous
twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are
united in our lust for international recognition. Not that we're
whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie immigrants.

We want to make 'no worries mate' our national phrase, 'she'll be
right mate' our national attitude and 'Waltzing Matilda' our
national anthem. (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who
commits suicide??)

We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. We're the best in
the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball,
rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by
lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded,
Sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and
have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a
poodle's @ss and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in

the World to think of crazy things to say.

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......'

I think I'm going to be laughing until June.