"Dogs Welcome"

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a

Midwest town he planned to visit on his

Vacation. He wrote: I would very much like

To bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed

And very well behaved. Would you be willing

To permit me to keep him in my room with

Me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel

Owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating

This hotel for many years. In all that time, I've

Never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,

Silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never

Had to evict a dog in the middle of the night

For being drunk and disorderly. And I've never

Had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed,

Your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your

Dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay

Here, too."

The BIKER.

MAKES YOU WANNA BE GOOD AND GO TO HEAVEN !!!!!

A biker dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the Devil . . . .

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Biker : "What do you think? I'm in Hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Biker : "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Monday that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway."

Biker : "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Biker : "You better believe it."

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Biker : "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Biker : "Why, yes . . . as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Biker : "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Biker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day . . .. help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Biker : "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Biker : "No..."

Satan: "Ooooh . . . . Fridays are gonna be tough”.

A friend of a friend of mine was sitting on a lawn chair sunning and

reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a

hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat him on a lawn chair.



“My goodness” he exclaimed, “you are quite old to be driving!”

“Yes” the man replied, I am old enough that I don’t need a license anymore. ”



“The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors

out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket”.



”You won’t be needing this anymore”, he said.



"So I thanked him and left.”

An ***** boy stands crying at the side of the road.

A man asks What is wrong??

The boy says Me ma is dead.

Oh bejaysus the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?

The boy replies “No tanks mister, s#x is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.

Teaching Maths in Britain

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?


4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.


6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realizes that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?


7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitized debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Surrey and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.


> 8. Teaching Maths 2017
> أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
> > ; الانتاج 80 من
> > الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20

So the jokes on us.

YOU can't laugh yet...otherwise, you're insulting somebody, somewhere for selfish reasons. By the way...your fine is in the mail and will be to you shortly.

THE HORTH WHITHPERER


A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says
he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His mate asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if
he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he
gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the
horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point,
but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under
his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny,
pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The little guy gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit !

An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and then
hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run, run".

The next batter hits a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again
cheered, "Run, run". The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with
the fans.

The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "Walk"
and the batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood up
and screamed, "R--r-r-run ye bastard, run!"

The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back
down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and
explained--"He can't run. He's got four balls." The Irishman stood up and
screamed, "Walk with pride

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH






A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.




He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'




The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'




Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.




There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:




One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.




The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'




The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'




To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'







LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)







Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.




'Why?' asks the father?




'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.




'But that's right!' says his dad.




'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''




'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.




'That's what I said!'










LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH







Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'




RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'




Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'




Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'







LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)







One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.




First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'




'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.




'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'




She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.




'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''







LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER







Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'




Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'




The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

You are in for a surprise..................................????????????????????






Some Seniors as well as younger folks might be interested in this site.

I normally don't pass on any rude or nude stuff (though it depends on what you define as rude.

I accidentally found this site (after looking half the night).

I feel that you're old enough and mature enough to handle this. Click on:


The best free porn site ever!

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
 

Because they were all walking around, going Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach.

YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

More jokes than you may want