Someone is gonna spend hours trying to corner that little bugger.

RETIRED HUSBAND
>
> After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
> Target.
>
> Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
> get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
> loves to browse.
>
> Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
> Target:
>
> Dear Mrs. Harris ,
>
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
> our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
> of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are
> listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
>
> 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
> people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
> 5-minute intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
> women's restroom.
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
> voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
> employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
> Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management
> to lose time and costing the company money.
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms
> on lay-by.
>
> 6.. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
> children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
> blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
>
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
> crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
> called.
>
> 9... September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as
> a mirror while he picked his nose.
>
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
> asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..
>
> 11... October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
> humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
>
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
> by using different sizes of funnels.
>
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
> through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
>
> 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
> assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
> 15.. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is
> the fitting room?
>
> And last, but not least:
>
> 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
> awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
>
> One of the clerks passed out.

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let's save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f### up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!

That was a good one. :D

THE FIRST OLYMPICS JOKE?



It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they

Haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and

Walks to the gate. " McTavish , Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over

His shoulder. " Waddington-Smith , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks

It under his arm.

"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.


___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
A very angry Teacher: Where the do you get seven from?!?!?
Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a f**kin' cat at home!!!

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

The love story of Ralph and Edna...
>
> Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
> doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna
> were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
> walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into
> the deep end.
>
> He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
>
> Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
> him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic
> act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as
> she now considered her to be mentally stable.
>
> When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news
> and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were
> able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
> life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays
> sound mindedness.
>
> The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
> belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
>
> Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
> How soon can I go home?'
>

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.





"Occupation?"



"No, just here for a few days."

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go up stairs and give him the good news..

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

My kind of teacher



This one is dedicated to all my friends who ever taught school, parented children or served their country.

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started, he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

There was dead silence.

He had no trouble with discipline that year.

Lunch With the Girls

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.

Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View
restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson,
the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free
snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of
cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and,
if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight
pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good,
the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and
fish is good for cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an
early bird special.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was
handicapped-accessible and had an elevator.

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because it sounded nice and they had never been there
before.

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in his hometown in Nebraska, a man decided to have his next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the California nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating…...not to mention attractive.

As he lay naked on his side on the table, a very gorgeous nurse came in and began his procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told him.

"I haven't got an erection," he replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.