No left turn unstoned........

The Traffic Warden’s funeral



As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral

a voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"



The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:

"Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done"

IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist
about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your
shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just
about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and,
with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent
you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover
many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or
becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss
of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and
a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or
Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS:

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz, Merlot etc.

CONDOMS DON'T GUARANTEE SAFE SEX ANYMORE.....



A FRIEND OF MINE WAS WEARING ONE WHEN HE WAS SHOT DEAD BY THE WOMAN'S HUSBAND.

DO YOU NEED CHEERING UP ?

Well, here's a great idea!

Watch your wedding video backwards.

The night starts with you getting a root ...

Then you have a great time, good food & drink and sober up without a hangover ...

You'll love the end bit where you take the ring off, go back down the aisle, jump in the car & f**k off with your mates.

This is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Bury Park,
who won the World's Shortest Essay competition.
He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Luton for his imagination and humour.... Here's an example of absolute brilliance......

Shortest Essay:

An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

1) Religion

2) Royalty

3) Physical Disability

4) Racism

5) Homosexuality



The prize-winner wrote:

'My God,' cried the Queen, 'That one-legged n! gger is a p##f'.

I thought you called them Boongs down there.

Depends on the situation.
If they are holding a loaded shot gun we normally call them Sir.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

Here in Australia,

A wedding occurred just outside Alice Springs in the Northern
Territory. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and
groom's families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception
room and generally kicking the cr#p out of each other, the Police were
called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in
court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally
brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!"

The court room goes silent and Jackie, the best man, stands up
and say's.. "Judge.... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I
should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Jackie to take the stand.

Jackie begins his explanation by telling the court that it is
traditional in an indigenous wedding that the best man gets the first
dance with the Bride.

The Judge says," OK".

"Well," said Jackie, "after I had finished the first dance, the
music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and after
that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song...when all
of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the
Bride an unmerciful kick in her va##na.."

The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"

Jackie replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my fuc**ing fingers !

shoulda tried phone sex. though there is a small chance of catching hearing aids

A family of moles woke up in their underground den one bright sunny morning.
Father mole pokes his head out of the ground and say's "hmm I smell waffles with honey".
Mother mole the pokes her head out and says "I smell pancakes and syrup ".
The baby mole struggling to get past his parents, shouts "all I can smell is mole-asses".

“I shouldn’t make fun of the blacks,” Rickles said, and then proceeded to do just that: “President Obama is a personal friend of mine. He was over to the house yesterday, but the mop broke.”
The black-tie crowd, gathered to celebrate MacLaine, the 40th recipient of the AFI’s Life Achievement Award, alternately gasped at the 86-year-old comic’s put-downs and then found themselves laughing and applauding.:eek:

Two Minnesota engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walks by asks what they were doing.

"Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, " said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"

Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming,
so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
he hadn't been there for a while, and wanted to look it over. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the ladies aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We are not coming out
until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up
he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."