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This one has your name on it CLK !!!! :D
Ask a stupid question I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at WallMart and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my ***** and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.. Stupid *****...why else would I buy dog food |
This thread, my mate in the OZ, and a toke at the end of the day never fails to lighten my mood. Many thanks from an exhausted Luddite colonial.
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Do you still have the double jointed back? I just cant quite bend that far. |
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Just doing my bit to dilute the political threads. Though sometimes this is very politically incorrect !! The thread should break the 25,000 views mark soon. Just goes to show that we all like a bit of a laugh !! ;):D:D |
I need to start posting in here again too
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A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models." The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk ... aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?" The clerk responds, "Yes we do.." "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn iittt offfff?" |
California Senator Barbara Boxer has proposed a bill that would suspend passport rights for delinquent tax-payers.
Unless, of course, they're here illegally, in which case they are free to come and go as they please. (Dennis Miller) |
The Four Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured Exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff." CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet....... Ate the cookies........ Drank the milk..... Shlt on the paper....... Screwed the other three cats........ Claimed he injured his back while doing so. Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........ Put in for Workers Compensation...................and Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............. AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT! |
a cop is having a very bad day. It's towards the end of his shift when this red ferrari Screams by him, not wanting to the cop takes off after the guy, When the guy eventually stops, the cop says. Look, I've got you dead to rights to take you to jail. it's the end of the day... If you can make me laugh. I wont haul your ass in. It'd save me a ton of paper work... Well the man thinks for a bit and says. Officer, there is a reason I was trying to get away from you, See my wife ran off with a police cadet and I thought you were he trying to bring her back to me!
the cop let the man off- |
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: 1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life. 2. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming. 3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not. 4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you 'cause I was p#ssed. 5. I thought that I could love no other -- that is until I met your brother... 6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's Empty and so is your head. 7. I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that paper bag off your face. 8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I'm good at telling lies! 9. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way? 10. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime. WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING |
Sixteen Logical Reasons WhySome MenHave Dogs AndNot Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you. (I expect they think you’ve been hunting!) 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor. (like they do, but don’t step in it!) 4. Dogs' parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have toraise your voiceto get your point across. 6. You never have to wait for a dog;they're ready to go, instantly,24 hours a day. 7. Dogs find you amusingwhen you're pissed. 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask:"If I died, would you get another dog?" 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an adin the paper and sell 'em. 11. When you drop a silent one,dogs don't run around franticallywith room spray. 13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratchingyour balls. Instead, they sit ponderingwhy you don't lick 'em. 14. Dogs will let you put a studded collaron, without calling you a pervert. 15. If a dog smells another dog on you,it won't kick you in the crotch; it justfinds it interesting. And last, but notleast: 16. If a dog runs off and leaves you,it won't take half your stuff. To verify thesestatements:Lock your wife and your dog inthe garagefor an hour. Then open the door, andobservewho's happy to see you! |
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Since you brought up our furry friends...
I offer the dog's diary... |
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And, of course, that of our feline companions...
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think of the word "Politics". Poly means "many" and "ticks" are blood sucking creatures.
A teacher in a detriot kindergarden class asked the kids what sound does a pig make? Little Tyrone stood up and yelled FREEZE MUTHAF**KA |
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