Sometimes the impossible happens even in Australia.

As we Australians would say: "Serve the bastards right!"

Who Employs These Idiots.A True Story

A man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia) received a bill in
March for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw
that one away too. The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty
note stating that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send
them $0.00 by return mail.
He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and
they would take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about
time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was
usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.
However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
He called the gas company who apologized for the computer error once again
and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to
them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored
it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the
problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10
days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
company nothing at all.
A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank manager
replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to
fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques They had received
from ANY of their customers that day because the Cheque for $0.00 had caused
the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming
that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $ 0.00 and unless he
sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.
At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the
gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the
local courthouse that he was not joking. They subsequently helped him in the
drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the
aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.
The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:
[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show Cause,
within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for
consideration under Company Law.
[2] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose
cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.
[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and
[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March
to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their
client to suffer.
And all this over $0.00


This story can also be viewed on the ABC website - Who employs these idiots?
Remember, these "people" walk among us and breathe the same air we do.
And they VOTE!!!!!!!!

1. Two blondes walk into a building .........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
>
> 2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
>
> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
> The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
>
> 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.
>
> 5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
>
> 6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
> The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
>
> 7. I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a muscle.
>
> 8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
>
> 9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
> 10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
> Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
>
> 11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
> 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
> 'Is it common?'
> 'It's not unusual.'
>
> 12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
> 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
> Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
> 'No, because he's really heavy'
>
> 13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
> 'How's that?'
> 'Don't you start.'
>
> 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
> 15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
> I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
>
> 16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
>
> 17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
>
> 18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
>
> 19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
> They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
>
> 20. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
> The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'
>
> 21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
>
>

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.




She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'



I can tell you, that bl##dy fly never knew what hit it.

Oh I can't wait to tell this one at the next party :D

"Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ" The Greatest Craigslist Car Ad Ever

http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/17ko...g/original.jpg

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less..

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are so very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

The Baptist Cowboy



A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over abridge.
> >
> > Kylie trips, and gets her head jammed between the railings.
> > Without a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!
> >
> > He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"
> >
> > Elton bursts into tears.
> >
> > "What's up?" asks Robbie.
> >
> > Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"

Subject: F100 BUCKS !

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."


She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He replies, "All I got is thirty."


She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job," Harry replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.


He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy.
She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back.."

She runs back to Harry.

"What's wrong?" he asks.


"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars ?!
__________________

Farmer's Logic









There are so many TV channels and every one of them looking for new programs.


In an Australian rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter was sent out to try and seek an explanation for Mad Cow disease. She arranged an interview with a farmer who may have theories on the matter to try and find an answer.

The interview went as follows:
Lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The farmer stared at the reporter and said.
Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter:Well, sir, I have to admit that I was not aware of this fact (obviously embarrassed), but what's that got to do with Mad Cow disease?

Farmer:Well, madam, do you know that cows get milked twice a day?

Reporter:Yes Sir, but what's the point?

Farmer:I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad?

THE INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED...

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Carol.

2nd woman: Hi! Lucy. How did you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
PRICELESS

Young jackaroo from outback Queensland went off to uni, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing... they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.' 'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.' So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know..
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.' The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
something!' 'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the
recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, "So, is your Daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!' 'I sure did, Dad!' 'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and politician!

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:
~~~Polish Remover~~~

The Naked Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Wyoming walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking

around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff, I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants..... So I did.


Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.... So I did.


Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,

'Now go to town cowboy. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blond Men do exist!