What have you learned from your parents? - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

Plantman · #1 11-11-2005, 06:59 PM

Besides the lessons that they have tried to teach you.

I find myself looking back on my life lately, especially now that my father is living with me and I can't help but look at him and all he has done to alienate everyone from him and think that he should/could have done things differently.

I'm not picking on the guy but if there is one word to describe my father is "inflexible".

There's a reason why no one from his family(and friends for the most part) come visit him, call him sporadically and generally ignore him.

Unless you are on the anti castro bandwagon, my dad has nothing to say to you for the most part.

Even now, after his stroke, he remains the same and refuses to even consider that someone else may be right about something.

My sister told me that I was the spitting image of my father. To which I replied, if anything, I am nothing like him. He is the old school hispanic, keeping the wife subservient, dominating the kids and their personalities, being 5 minutes early for an appointment and storming off pissed if the other party isn't on time sort of guy.

To give you more of my dad, he believes that a restaurant is not to sit down and talk or chat, only to eat food. Once that task has been accomplished, he gets up and waits outside in the car alone. He'll sit/chat and a smoke a ciggy with a total stranger outside, but can't chat with his own family inside.

If you ask him if he's hungry, he'll say yes but expects to be fed right then and now and will get up and leave if he's not eating within minutes.

Years ago, when my parents were married and we used to go to family functions, the typical argument was about boxers and who the best were etc...

Ali, Forman, Frazier...etc.My father would say " the best boxer ever was Teofilo Stevenson, period"

My uncles would reply, well Ali was , so and so...

My father would interrupt and say Stevenson, period.

My uncles would say, blah, blad and my father would say " I said period, period, period"

My uncles would tell him "hey, you're not my father and I have my own opinion, go fock yourself!"

My father would then tell us all to get ready cause we were leaving and call my uncles cretins.

I can go on and on, but one thing my father taught me, without trying to, is to be more flexible, understanding and patient with people. And that I don't know it all.

What about you all?

Botnst · #2 11-11-2005, 07:05 PM

That stoicism is an under-appreciated philosophy.

bobbyv · #3 11-11-2005, 07:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Plantman

My sister told me that I was the spitting image of my father. To which I replied, if anything, I am nothing like him.

beware the dark side of the force ... be careful of what you hate - you might just turn out that way ...

seriously, that happens in every family and generation, in one form or another, and in varying degrees. Same thing with my father, who already passed away. I still have some "residual angst" within me, and it will take some more time for me to "anneal".

I blame him for many things in my life and those of my mother and my siblings, even up to now. However, I realize that I cannot go on blaming him for my problems for the rest of my life, and I decided to just accept my "hand of cards" in life and take responsibility for my destiny. This is surely not easy to do, and is an ongoing process for me.

It is different for everyone, so this is intended for sharing, not for preaching ...

MikeTangas · #4 11-11-2005, 08:43 PM

Mine taught me to stand stand up to a pugilist....

by knocking me between the runnin' lights regularly.

rdanz · #5 11-11-2005, 08:58 PM

One thing my dad taught me was respect. Everyone has the right to there opinion and many times even though I didn't agree with him I kept silent out of respect. We learned early in life family business stays in the family. When you put someone close in your family down to others they listen but have no respect for you. As far as blaming other people for your shortcomings its what people who don't succeed do they blame others instead of takin responsibility for our own actions. My dad was strict but thats the way he was raised also. I would give anything to have him around today faults or no faults.
Love and enjoy your parents while still have them.

MikeTangas · #6 11-11-2005, 09:03 PM

Don't get me wrong, I undoubtedly deserved it. I was taught to respect my elders, still have the utmost respect for my Dad. Hell, I was over 30 before I could talk in "color" with my Dad (not counting a few slips of the tongue after being off-shore for a few weeks)...seems to be about the same time he let me run a skill saw in his presence, LOL, he always had to do it..

kerry · #7 11-11-2005, 09:16 PM

I think I agree with Plantman. I learned more from thinking about what part of my father's life I did not want to imitate than from what part I did. Perhaps this is because imitating our dads (for guys) is so natural that the only option open to a person who wants to think about what parts of their father's life was good/ bad is to try to purge onself of the bad influences.
Or, to put it as a question, Has anyone had to work hard to adopt their dad's bad traits?

Kuan · #8 11-11-2005, 09:33 PM

Plantman, your Dad's a great personality. Unique, interesting.

My Dad died early of heart disease, a little too early for me to realize just what was going on with his life. Now 20 years later I realize that all that he was I don't want to be and I'm not.

Womanizing, a new one every coupla years and one or two backups, mostly in their 20's.

Too much smoking. 2-3 packs a day. Marlboros.

Stress from running the business 20hrs a day and trying to keep up with his darn MB's.

Bad diet. Too much fatty pork and prime rib.

Couldn't come to grips with his depression.

Put a lot of pressure on me to excel. He had his expectations and never once asked what I wanted.

Never listened to his body. Heart disease and diabetes.

Had a clear favorite, me, the eldest, and never paid the same attention to my other brothers.

Treated my mom like ****.

Dead at 42.

I'm still learning from him. I love him like crazy.

Botnst · #9 11-11-2005, 09:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kerry edwards

I think I agree with Plantman. I learned more from thinking about what part of my father's life I did not want to imitate than from what part I did. Perhaps this is because imitating our dads (for guys) is so natural that the only option open to a person who wants to think about what parts of their father's life was good/ bad is to try to purge onself of the bad influences.
Or, to put it as a question, Has anyone had to work hard to adopt their dad's bad traits?

Great insight, Kerry.

To me, the important thing is to learn all of the lessons, not just the ones they dump on us and not just the ones that we find most agreeable.

For example, I intentionally unloaded a great vessel of guilt on my oldest kid the other day (circumstances are not important). Please accept that it was deserved, I had been done wrong.

For nearly a day I was real self-satisfied. I finally got my shot and I made it count. Late in the evening Mrs Bot said something, intentionally, that forced me to take another look at myself. I still believe that I acted in a logical fashion, considering the injustice. Within a kind and gentle moment, Mrs Bot forced me to make a more circumspect appraisal.

So the next day I wrote my kid a note indicating that the load of guilt I dumped on her was disproportionate to the injustice I suffered, and for that, I apologized. I let her know that it was my problem that I felt injured, not hers.

It was the right thing to do. Why? And why did it take somebody else to notice and call my attention to it?

Bot

BENZ-LGB · #10 11-13-2005, 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Plantman

Besides the lessons that they have tried to teach you.

I find myself looking back on my life lately, especially now that my father is living with me and I can't help but look at him and all he has done to alienate everyone from him and think that he should/could have done things differently.

I'm not picking on the guy but if there is one word to describe my father is "inflexible".

There's a reason why no one from his family(and friends for the most part) come visit him, call him sporadically and generally ignore him.

Unless you are on the anti castro bandwagon, my dad has nothing to say to you for the most part.

Even now, after his stroke, he remains the same and refuses to even consider that someone else may be right about something.

My sister told me that I was the spitting image of my father. To which I replied, if anything, I am nothing like him. He is the old school hispanic, keeping the wife subservient, dominating the kids and their personalities, being 5 minutes early for an appointment and storming off pissed if the other party isn't on time sort of guy.

To give you more of my dad, he believes that a restaurant is not to sit down and talk or chat, only to eat food. Once that task has been accomplished, he gets up and waits outside in the car alone. He'll sit/chat and a smoke a ciggy with a total stranger outside, but can't chat with his own family inside.

If you ask him if he's hungry, he'll say yes but expects to be fed right then and now and will get up and leave if he's not eating within minutes.

Years ago, when my parents were married and we used to go to family functions, the typical argument was about boxers and who the best were etc...

Ali, Forman, Frazier...etc.My father would say " the best boxer ever was Teofilo Stevenson, period"

My uncles would reply, well Ali was , so and so...

My father would interrupt and say Stevenson, period.

My uncles would say, blah, blad and my father would say " I said period, period, period"

My uncles would tell him "hey, you're not my father and I have my own opinion, go fock yourself!"

My father would then tell us all to get ready cause we were leaving and call my uncles cretins.

I can go on and on, but one thing my father taught me, without trying to, is to be more flexible, understanding and patient with people. And that I don't know it all.

What about you all?

Plantman...my Father is also Cuban and probably close to your father's age. My Father too exhibits some of the same traits you describe in your father.

Many Cubans, of is generation, have a hard time adjusting to life here. Not financially, since most of them have done real well. My own parents owned their own business and made very good money.

It is something else. I think part of it is a sense of guilt over "losing" Cuba to Castro. Think about it, their genration ot only welcomed Castro with open arms, but then did not stay in the island to fight to get Castro out. Elsewhere in Eastern Europe people have fought against Communism and managed to get rid of the communist regimes. Cubans, however, wished (or expected) the U.S. to come to get rid of Castro--or at least help get rid of Castro. The U.S. did not and in fact the Kennedy Administration betrayed those who were set tofight against Castro. So there is a lot of bitterness and guilt which contribute to the behavior you see in their generation.

There is always the fact that they have never fully adjusted to llife in the U.S. I see that behavior more among Cubans in Florida and New York. There are so many Cubans living there, that you don't have to adapt and can remain "more Cuban." So when they finally realize that they are not ever going to go back to Cuba and that they are probably going to be buried here, then they get all "crazy." Cubans living in California and elsewhere had to make more adjustments and make a quicker and more seamless adaption to to life in the U.S.

I am sure that you have heard the song "Cuando Sali de Cuba." It is all about a longing for one's country. the singer, as y ou know, says that he/she cannot die here (In the U.S.) because he left his heart, he left his love in Cuba. I am young, and I left Cuba as a kid, but even I long for Cuba and sometimes the longing is like a deep aching in my heart that never stops hurting. I've lived longer inthe U.S. than in Cuba--I really grew up here. So imagine what your father and my Father must all feel. How deep and howpainful that wound must cut. Is it any wonder he is cranky.

There is also the fact that as us men get older there is a sharp decline in testosterone. That makes us cranky and "moody." It is the male menopause. Being away from his country only makes it worse for your dad.

Give the old guy a break. He has already lost so much. Don't let his behavior keep you two apart. My own dad sometimes drives me bonkers, but I look at him and he has done so much for me and has taught me so much, that I just look past his actions and hope that he will find peace.

My parents have taught me a lot. They taught me the value of hard work. They taught me to rely on myself and not to make excuses for my failings. They taught me that life is not always fair...but that considering the alternative, life is pretty darned good. They taught me to stand up for myself, to not abandon my friends, to do the best I can...and then do a little bit more. They taught me to love freedom and justice and peace and to abhor bullies, and injustice. They taught me that is not enough for me to seek justice for myself...but that I must always make sure that everyone is treated just and fair. They taught me that no man is better than another...but that some men do things that make them monsters. They taught me to stand up to life's monsters and not be afraid of them, because if I run away then they win

I think that my parents (and your dad as well) are pretty brave people. To come to a strange land, not speaking the language, not knowing anyone, without a penny to their name...just so that you and me and others like us could grow up in a country where no man is ever above the law.

I hope this helps.

Viva Cuba Libre...sin Fidel y sin amos.

POS · #11 11-13-2005, 04:41 PM

I still remember old dad, rocking on the porch swing, and imparting these words of wisdom before they shot him:

"Always get rid of da body; if you do dat, day got nuttin' on ya..."

Botnst · #12 11-13-2005, 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by POS

I still remember old dad, rocking on the porch swing, and imparting these words of wisdom before they shot him:

"Always get rid of da body; if you do dat, day got nuttin' on ya..."

I hope to die in my sleep like Grandpappy did, rest his gentle soul. Not screaming in terror like the passengers of the bus he was driving.

B

Plantman · #13 11-14-2005, 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Botnst

I hope to die in my sleep like Grandpappy did, rest his gentle soul. Not screaming in terror like the passengers of the bus he was driving.

B

Remember Richard Pryor's line about his grandfather coming and going at the same time?

Plantman · #14 11-13-2005, 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BENZ-LGB

Plantman...my Father is also Cuban and probably close to your father's age. My Father too exhibits some of the same traits you describe in your father.

Many Cubans, of is generation, have a hard time adjusting to life here. Not financially, since most of them have done real well. My own parents owned their own business and made very good money.

It is something else. I think part of it is a sense of guilt over "losing" Cuba to Castro. Think about it, their genration ot only welcomed Castro with open arms, but then did not stay in the island to fight to get Castro out. Elsewhere in Eastern Europe people have fought against Communism and managed to get rid of the communist regimes. Cubans, however, wished (or expected) the U.S. to come to get rid of Castro--or at least help get rid of Castro. The U.S. did not and in fact the Kennedy Administration betrayed those who were set tofight against Castro. So there is a lot of bitterness and guilt which contribute to the behavior you see in their generation.

There is always the fact that they have never fully adjusted to llife in the U.S. I see that behavior more among Cubans in Florida and New York. There are so many Cubans living there, that you don't have to adapt and can remain "more Cuban." So when they finally realize that they are not ever going to go back to Cuba and that they are probably going to be buried here, then they get all "crazy." Cubans living in California and elsewhere had to make more adjustments and make a quicker and more seamless adaption to to life in the U.S.

I am sure that you have heard the song "Cuando Sali de Cuba." It is all about a longing for one's country. the singer, as y ou know, says that he/she cannot die here (In the U.S.) because he left his heart, he left his love in Cuba. I am young, and I left Cuba as a kid, but even I long for Cuba and sometimes the longing is like a deep aching in my heart that never stops hurting. I've lived longer inthe U.S. than in Cuba--I really grew up here. So imagine what your father and my Father must all feel. How deep and howpainful that wound must cut. Is it any wonder he is cranky.

There is also the fact that as us men get older there is a sharp decline in testosterone. That makes us cranky and "moody." It is the male menopause. Being away from his country only makes it worse for your dad.

Give the old guy a break. He has already lost so much. Don't let his behavior keep you two apart. My own dad sometimes drives me bonkers, but I look at him and he has done so much for me and has taught me so much, that I just look past his actions and hope that he will find peace.

My parents have taught me a lot. They taught me the value of hard work. They taught me to rely on myself and not to make excuses for my failings. They taught me that life is not always fair...but that considering the alternative, life is pretty darned good. They taught me to stand up for myself, to not abandon my friends, to do the best I can...and then do a little bit more. They taught me to love freedom and justice and peace and to abhor bullies, and injustice. They taught me that is not enough for me to seek justice for myself...but that I must always make sure that everyone is treated just and fair. They taught me that no man is better than another...but that some men do things that make them monsters. They taught me to stand up to life's monsters and not be afraid of them, because if I run away then they win

I think that my parents (and your dad as well) are pretty brave people. To come to a strange land, not speaking the language, not knowing anyone, without a penny to their name...just so that you and me and others like us could grow up in a country where no man is ever above the law.

I hope this helps.

Viva Cuba Libre...sin Fidel y sin amos.

Interesting observation, it never occured to me the inner turmoil that must come with leaving your homeland, under those circumstances, even after almost 50 years.

Like I said earlier, I'm not picking on the guy. We generally get along well although we have our spats now and again.

He tries to get me to adjust to him, when it should be the other way around considering he's in my house.

Sometimes he wakes up at 6AM, others at 11AM. No matter the time, he has to have coffee as soon as he wakes up. He claims that he has fatigue if he doesn't get it. I banned him from making it himself cause he makes a mess all over the place.

So I wake up yesterday at 9 and make him his coffee and bring it to him like a nice son. He gives me an attitude because it it wasn't there earlier. It seems like I can't win with him. So I tell him, oh, you want me to wake up when you do I guess. He has his coffee and I ask him if his fatigue went away. That got him ticked.

He will literally go 5 hours without eating, actually getiing fatigued because "it has to be something hot", In this case I left him a sandwhich wrapped in tin foil.

I know a lot of it is him getting over his strike and I do my best to help him along. I also know that it has a lot to do with age but his main problems stem from being rigid in his thinking.

He has a superiority issue in that he dropped out of school at6 to work to help his mom. He's self educated and actually has written a couple of books and had a play off-broadway once. He was a writer for a small spanish newspaper. Combine that, with the fact that he's always bragging about him being the only one in his family with culture, a pension and you get more of an idea of my dad's personality.

Even before he had his stroke, he would look around for molehills to make mountains out of.

Another thing I learned was to be faithful to your wife. He wasn't and I've seen first hand what that can do to kids as they grow up thru a divorce.

BENZ-LGB · #15 11-14-2005, 10:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Plantman

Interesting observation, it never occured to me the inner turmoil that must come with leaving your homeland, under those circumstances, even after almost 50 years.

Like I said earlier, I'm not picking on the guy. We generally get along well although we have our spats now and again.

He tries to get me to adjust to him, when it should be the other way around considering he's in my house.

Sometimes he wakes up at 6AM, others at 11AM. No matter the time, he has to have coffee as soon as he wakes up. He claims that he has fatigue if he doesn't get it. I banned him from making it himself cause he makes a mess all over the place.

So I wake up yesterday at 9 and make him his coffee and bring it to him like a nice son. He gives me an attitude because it it wasn't there earlier. It seems like I can't win with him. So I tell him, oh, you want me to wake up when you do I guess. He has his coffee and I ask him if his fatigue went away. That got him ticked.

He will literally go 5 hours without eating, actually getiing fatigued because "it has to be something hot", In this case I left him a sandwhich wrapped in tin foil.

I know a lot of it is him getting over his strike and I do my best to help him along. I also know that it has a lot to do with age but his main problems stem from being rigid in his thinking.

He has a superiority issue in that he dropped out of school at6 to work to help his mom. He's self educated and actually has written a couple of books and had a play off-broadway once. He was a writer for a small spanish newspaper. Combine that, with the fact that he's always bragging about him being the only one in his family with culture, a pension and you get more of an idea of my dad's personality.

Even before he had his stroke, he would look around for molehills to make mountains out of.

Another thing I learned was to be faithful to your wife. He wasn't and I've seen first hand what that can do to kids as they grow up thru a divorce.

sounds like you have a tough situation at hand (or at home).

I pray that God gives you plenty of patience and wisdom.

I just wonder what kind of guest I'll make if I ever end up in one of my kids' homes. As you can tell from my posts here I'm already plenty cranky.

When my daughters were old enough to appreciate literature, I gave them each a copy of King Lear to read. I asked them which one was Cordelia, which one was Goneril and which one was Regan. Interesting enough, the youngest one said she would be more like Cordelia. But then she added: If you give everything to my other sisters, then forget about it!

Buena suerte!