joke thread

[kott]

no commentary, just a 2 or 3 line joke for people to visit for a laugh....

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"

Originally Posted by kott

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"

Well, it's not surprising, I just got my first repair bill for my
new MB.

Louis.

[kott]

One New Year's Eve Judy stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

[KirkVining]

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his friend in the forest?

[moparmike]

Originally Posted by kott

John Kerry walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"

There, I fixed it for you.

[PHAEDRUS242]

Why doesn't Hitler drink tequila?

Because it makes him mean.

[KirkVining]

Originally Posted by moparmike

There, I fixed it for you.

Ok, you asked for it.

In Texas we have a story that shows what a great country this is. At a rodeo, we had a horrible accident. There was a fireworks accident that killed a cowboy. After the explosion, all that was left was a cowboy hat and a horse's ass. Damned if today it isn't the President of The United States. Only in America.

[MTI]

A rabbi, a priest, a horse and a piece of string walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What, is this some kinda joke?"

New Campaign Slogan in Illinois: "Alan Keyes: When you absolutely, positively need a black candidate overnight!"

[kott]

I beseech y'all for apolitical stuff, please.... even if it might be funny.

[KirkVining]

I'm trying to keep it one for one. As penance, I will post my Rodney Dangerfield collection:

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

[Botnst]

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

[85drtysthbenz]

a guy walks into a whorehouse in texas...hes greeted by the madam, who asks what hed like...he says,"well, its been a while for me...i want something pretty kinky" the madam says,"ok, heres your room key..go up there and wait for a few minutes".. the guy goes up there, and in a minute, two of the hottest women hes ever seen come in and just wear the man out...they go at it all night long, doing anything he asked of them...the mext morning, the man staggers downstairs, and stops to ask the madam,"that was the best sex ive ever had in my life...what do you call that?" she says, "we call that The Bear." the guy thanks her and leaves....
a few weeks later he comes back and before the madam can even say anything, he says,"i want the Bear...i want the Bear"...madam says, "ok, you know where to go.." so, the guy goes up and gets his clothes off and gets into bed...and its obvious that hes "ready for action"....just then, a black cleaning lady comes in and starts dusting and is distracted by the man laying in bed with a tent pitched....she says,"oooh, can i see that thang?" the man says," ah, i dont see any harm in it" and pulls the sheet back...she kind jumps back, startled...she says,"ooh, can i touch that thang?" man says,"ok,i dont see no harm in it"...she touches it and kind of jumps back again...then she says," can i suck that thang?" to which the man replies, "ma'am, this things loaded for Bear, its liable to shoot a coon's head slap off."



what did the fish say when it ran into a concrete wall?


dam!

[cmac2012]

A guy was bragging to a new acquaintance about his ranch. He said, "Hay - ell, I can drive in my truck from sun-up to sun-down and not see the end of my ranch."

The other guy says, "Yeah, I had a truck like that once..."

[Brian Carlton]

A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men when along came a guy named Vinny from New York. "I'm not hiring any wise-ass New Yorker," the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Vinny wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedaboutit..."

"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99." Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy." The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree'n dirty tree-dat's 99."

The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100." Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert." The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!" New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along and thakes a dump on each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an'a turd - which makes one hundred.

Bada boom , bada bing. When do I freakin' start?"

[mzsmbs]

"Based on your conclusions, I will follow your recommendation that the inquiry by the state be closed," Bush said in a two-sentence letter.