Soy Un Perdedor

[PaulC]

Woke up today - weather was a little crappy, but not so bad. Ran a few errands - so far, so good.

I have cable tv, and the carrier is switching to digital service next week, so I decide to install the digital cable adapters necessary to keep all five TVs working. Four TVs go pretty smoothly.

TV #5 is the primary TV in the house, weighs a ton, and is squeezed into a tall, wide and heavy wooden cabinet/shelving type thing. It's wedged into the corner of the room, and I cannot get behind it without moving it. I calculate that the whole setup probably weighs 275+ lbs., is top-heavy, and is a five-star beatch to move, but move it I must to play with the cabling behind the TV. I pull it out, doing as much lifting as dragging, do the install, and push it back in place.

I initiate the software download as required to complete the convertor setup. Estimated time for download is 20 minutes. Three hours later, download is still underway. Call customer service, get a crappy connection AND a rep with an accent (a deadly combination), and am run through the usual basic customer-is-a-moron questionnaire/flow chart - is the TV on, is the converter plugged in, what's on the screen, etc. As requested, I switch the converter off and on, which reboots everything and restarts the download. Two hours later...well you take a guess. Call customer service, run through the drill once more, reboot/restart.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my snowmobile dealer calls to tell me that they've completed the pre-season servicing on a pair of sleds that I dropped off last week and they're ready for pickup. The dealer is open for another hour, so I put the hitch on the Xterra, load my toolbox and jack in the back, and hustle down to the dealer. I pay the man his $2, and even though it's fairly late in the afternoon, decide to be efficient and take the sleds to their winter home, a garage on the edge of a snowmobile trail network - 40 miles away.

The trip starts out smoothly, as the Xterra proceeds along a major regional highway. The sun is starting to set, and I'm driving into a relatively high-altitude region, both factors serving to drop the temperature nicely. What was a trip that began on clear, relatively straight roads is now becoming a bit of an adventure on twisty roads that are just iced enough to become interesting. But, I'm used to such driving, and the Xterra feels pretty sure-footed...

Now, I'm less than a mile from my destination. I have to make a left turn off the paved two-lane onto a dirt road. What happens next is the type of thing that would make the instructor of Trailering 101 look over his bifocals and throw a disapproving stare at me. I, uh, forgot to slow down enough before attempting the turn. As I prepared to turn off the paved road onto the slipperier snow-covered dirt road, I sensed that I was coming in a little too hot for conditions. My remedy? I braked - as I began the turn - and 4,400 lbs. of SUV and 1,600 lbs. of snowmobiles and trailer now pushing on the back of the 4,400 lb. SUV simultaneously uttered "Say WHAT?" and decided to reacquaint me with that musty, arcane element of physics known as momentum.

My first clue that my decision-making process should have also received a pre-season servicing was when the ABS started chattering away and the steering grew aloof. My second clue was the drainage ditch and a few large conifers now filling up the view out of my windshield. I took my foot off the brake pedal as if it became red hot, which allowed the front wheels to gain just enough stiction to give me a turning arc just a little bit bigger than I planned. I skirted the ditch so closely that I was sure that I was going in - but it was not to be.

Okay! It's all good now! Got the Talking Heads singing "Take Me to the River" on the radio - feeling pretty good about life in general, and I'm just several hundred yards away from my destination. Just one more little bitty one-lane dirt road to turn onto and traverse...

Hey, um, did I tell you that we had some pretty good windstorms in PA earlier in the week? Caused some damage, not too dramatic, shingles ripping loose, random lawn furniture blown into the next zip code, a few trees fell over...including the sum***** that is now lying across the road in front of me...

Stopped in plenty of time, no problem there, but as I mentally catalogued the contents of my toolbox and realized that a chainsaw or axe were not on the list, I still felt, well, boned. Squinting through the winter-denuded trees that were still standing, I could just make out the garage that represented my destination. But, it may as well have been 100 miles away, for as agile as my skidplated Xterra Off Road is, it would have been 50/50 about going over the tree, and even if the SUV made it, the trailer probably would have been shorn of its axle.

So - got to go home now. What I was counting on as a relatively easy ride back, sans trailer, is now a nighttime trudge. After squeezing the trailer into a garage opening that is just four inches wider than the trailer itself, I go back to the land of digital cable. No joy there, either.

Hit customer service again, politely throwing my shoes through the receiver at the party on the other side of the line, and am transferred away from the scripted schlubs of customer service to their repair section. "Dominick" who sounds as if he lived in Brooklyn for a few years while simultaneously gargling on thumbtacks, listens to my parade of travails and non-results and gives me the good news that the converter box is D.O.A. Have to remove it and bring it to the local branch of the cable company for a replacement. Que merde...