A decision I didn't want to make...
 

Looks like we'll be moving again...back to Ohio. My wife, who just spent the last 2 months caring for my mom and my grandma, came back home last weekend. While she was gone, the two older ladies really hammered her about us being so far away from them...which I rather enjoy.

However...mom's eyesight is getting pretty bad, and since she's already had two other corrective surgeries, they won't do another. She fears passing the eyesight portion of getting her driver's license renewed. Since she is the #1 caretaker of grandma, and nobody else in the family will get off their ass to help her, my wife has talked me into moving back so she can care for the older ladies.

I have two brothers that both live within 10 miles of mom, and neither one will do much to help her. Sure, one will schedule a few weeks out to swing by and fix something if she calls them, but won't come over right away. The other refuses to show up unless he's needing money from her.

I'm putting the house up for sale in January, and will begin looking for repo homes near my mom's that I can pick up cheap. Hopefully I can sell this house and make enough off of it to cover the cost of the new house.

What really pisses me off is that my youngest brother's wife, who refuses to work, also refuses to assist my mom. This is the same brother that only visits her when he needs money...and he's only 2 blocks away from her!

I'm not real pleased with having to move again. But, at least I'll be able to close enough to her to provide any help she needs, even if it's just sending the wife or kids over to go grocery shopping with her.

Sorry to hear you may be pulling up stakes in PA. where you made a new home, gained friends and community. You will always be better for having had that experience and meeting the new ppl in your lives. One thing I don't think you'll ever regret is helping out and actually being there for your parent and grand parent. It will work out for you I'm certain of that.

I admire people that do the right thing, and you are one such person.

You know, jp, when I left my home in San Francisco in 2004 and came to this rural part of northern California, it was to help my mom and dad who were coming up on 90 years of age and mobile but needed help, and I was essentially a caregiver for them you could say.

They lived a few more years and after 64+ years together, they died just 10 days from one another, I think the survivor died of a broken heart. They always did everything together, and were so gracious and kind and loving to one another. It was weird, too as my father was born 08/26/2013 and my mom 09/19/13 so I recently observed their 100th birthdays, and they had actually trod this earth almost the exact time together. I had never known or seen such a perfect union.

My brother was too busy to do anything to help so it fell to me.

But you know what? Looking back, it was the best thing I could ever have done, I only wish I had done it earlier, done more and a better job.

They had sacrificed so much for me, and I gave back such a little bit in return.

I am well satisfied and content that I did what I did.

I know you will one day feel the same. I am sure of it.

So, good luck/god bless/god speed to you and your family..

You are a fine man. I don't think you will ever regret this decision.

I've really enjoyed the distance from the rest of the family. Close enough they can visit...far enough away that they have to call first.

I really hate moving.

All I can add is to share the single most important lesson I've learned from Darling Wife:

They're family. It's what you do.

Yes. It is that simple.

Have you ever thought of getting a non-medical home care service? They are in the 20 per hour region and can help with daily activities of living.

Oh, believe me...when I found out that they weren't helping her, I agreed with my wife that it was time to move back. There wasn't much thinking and debate about it. I've been the one that has gotten friends of mine to go over and make repairs to her deck, her garage door, change a tire, etc...neither of my brothers have bothered to help.

The fact that two adult men cannot lift a finger to help their mother at least once a week, and one of them can't even bother to lift a phone to call her unless he needs money pisses me off to no end.

The real shame is having to change my son's schools again. He's finally gotten settled in as a Freshman, is on the football team, and is doing really well in school. The girl-child graduates in June, and we'll move shortly after then.

This will probably open a whole new can of worms with the ex. The latest decision from the judge is that she doesn't get any weekends, only a few holidays and a few weeks in the summer that are not back to back. When we move back, she may want to take me back to court again...3.5 more years, and boy child will be an adult and we won't have to deal with BS like this anymore.

Amen

Nope...neither me nor my mother would ever allow it to happen. Moving back is the only option available.

Mom isn't a very trusting person, and wouldn't be comfortable with a stranger in her home.

Sorry to hear that, Jon. I know you really liked living with the Keystone folk. ;)

It really sucks that your brother is like that...but given his MO, I'm not surprised his wife is also that way. :(

Good luck with all of it.

Damn, sorry to hear that your brothers are no help, jp. Sounds like a similar situation to my FIL who is the primary caregiver to my wife's grandmother/his mother. One retired to Myrtle Beach and the other is 20 minutes away but you'd think it was 2 days the way he talks.

Your mom needs you and you're doing the right thing.

Just when you got your gun room all fixed up!

Hope it all works out for you all.

The Lord will reward you jp. :)

I admire you for making the right but inconvenient decision. Sorry to hear that you have to move again... that stinks. What will happen to the gun thing?

My feet often stink. :eek::D

I can't remember any time recently reading a thread that I could more closely identify with.

My Mom who was on the thin edge of death about a year and a half ago is in assisted living near her home in the DFW area 120 miles from here. On a really good traffic day it is over two hours away. My brother lives a mile away and will not so much as mow the grass. We are headed over there today so that I can mow the grass, fix the water heater and trim branches away from the roof plus who knows what else. While I'm doing that my wife has a long list of things to do for her.

We have tried to get her to move in with us, but she's living it up with her friends that she's had since WWII and not willing to move.

My brother not only will not do anything, but he is in a bad marriage and stays at the house often, running up the power bill, water bill, while leaving the cleaning to us.

We have talked about moving over there temporarily. Of course if we took that course of action we could live in her house for awhile and bring her home. She hasn't been up for that option either.

When it all comes down to it, the issue is; "family first."

I wish the very best of luck with this JP. You're a good man.
Larry

Your mom moving close to or in with you in PA is not an option? Seems to me that messing up your kids school situation would be a concern for her as well, especially after all the instability already. Was the subject touched on?

JB is indeed pointing out something that skipped right past me. In my case what I do has no impact on school age children.

I was moved around a lot and it was not fun, and did not have any positve effects on my upbringing. It is indeed an important consideration.

Family first. Always. Good for you, doing the right thing.

Not living there but maybe just there to do some light housekeeping, meal preps and make sure she isn't lying on the floor for 3 days without anyone noticing. It can be 3 or 4 hours a day.

Sometimes it is better to get a professional or two. They can go home and take a shower and forget the thing after a long day of work. The child-caregiver cannot. I have met many a child who loves their parents dearly but sooner or later, the caregiver burnout occurs. In fact, someone I talked to said the mother was happier now that she has a caregiver because she has someone different to talk to and when she comes back, mom is better than before. Before, it was fine but every so often, she gets into fights with the dementia mom.

A tip of the hat for caring about yer mom. Having gone through the decline and passing of my parents, I 2nd aklim’s comments about getting help, even with your plans to move and assist. It is important to get a break from time to time, and there will be many times you will be very happy you have someone to help.

I'm checking into that as well. I believe I will have to go back through and have the chief of police in the area sign off on transferring the firearm business into that area...then I'll just need to apply for a business license in the area. I already have customers in that area that I do work for, so it's just a matter of setting up a corner of the house for it. With the current political leanings of the head of the ATF and the POTUS, the rules could change quickly.

Mom won't move...that's not an option. Her house was designed by my dad. Grandma won't leave the area either. My son will be back in school with his old friends when we go back, so it shouldn't be too hard on him.

Thanks...it's how I was raised.

I know this*going to sound unpopular, but it might be time to let professionals take care of you're loving Mother. Even if you move back, it might not be long before you won't be able to help you're Mother. Just a concerned thought from a friend.

Well, i'm in Ky and work in Cincy. be gald to have you nearby in Ohio. I travel part of the state often (up and down I-71). So maybe I'll have the good luck to catch up with you sometime. What part of Oh. are we talking?

QUITE a few years back, my mother hired a "helper" for her mother. The "hire," a "Mrs. T," decided she was going to supplement to her normal salary. It seemed that Grandma noticed certain items starting to "be misplaced" around her home and on a "hunch," my mother contacted the local Sheriff's Department and had an investigator come out during one of Mrs. T's days off.

The investigator suggested that his Department would have another investigator come out, inventory different pieces in my Grandmother's home and "dust" some items for "black-light" detection later on.

Within the month of the "dusting," Mrs. T was arrested and prosecuted (quite successfully) for theft.

It turned out, not only was my Grandmother getting pilfered from, Mrs. T was doing the same thing to all of her clients that she was working with.

I seem to remember my mother mentioning that they were able to get all of Grandma's stuff back as well as most of the stuff other folks had reported as being ripped off. Some folks, apparently, didn't even suspect anything was missing 'til Mrs. T's list of clients was contacted and asked to check their own belongings.

Now, my mother, having passed the 80s-mark, and recovering from breast-cancer surgery, has had all of us sibblings (6) showing up and making sure she's comfortable and being checked up on. Although she's not mentioned it, I'm sure she's thinking of what options are going to be presented to her when things start getting a lot harder...as I'm sure it will.

I guess I'm going to have to ask the other sibs for a pow-wow so we can have a plan when, not if, things start moving towards the "dark side" of old age for mom.

PJ, thanks for bringing to the forefront those items we "youngsters" seem to forget about (or aren't even aware of) when it comes to our "still-with-us" parents.

I just want to add that I believe you are doing the right thing.

Where did you find this helper?

My mother never did mention where this twit came from. (This was back in the later part of the 60s.) All I remember was that she was, maybe, in her 50s or so, was married and lived near Neenah.

All I remember was that she was charged, arrested and rest was one of those things that mothers tell the kids as a life lesson for what happens when you get caught doing bad.

I'd ask her, but I think I might bring up memories that she doesn't really want to deal with.

I think she still blames herself for allowing this "Mrs. T" into her mother's house and the gal took advantage of her.

Not something you want to live with...and it really wasn't her fault...but you have to convince her of that. :sad:

I'd have gotten a person from an agency. That will at least help with screening for the past.