Jokes tha dont offend
 

Jokes that wont offend, yet lack a certain..... "something"...good for telling kids.

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One looked at the other and said "Do you smell something fishy?"

A horse walked in a bar - The bartender said, Why the long face?

A set of jumper cables walked into a bar. The bartender said, " I'll serve you, but just don't start anything.":rolleyes:

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick

Q: What's long hard and full of seamen?

A: A submarine!

Two cats peer around the base of a tree and see two robbins relaxing on their backs in the sun.

The first cat turns to the second and asks, "Feel like eating some 'baskin' robbins'?"

Howdy All,
What goes in hard and comes out soft and wet........ Gum:D

These two atoms are talking, when the one says: "I think I've lost an electron" The other asks: " Are you sure?" The first one replies: "Yes, I'm positive"

So this baby seal walks into a club....


Also a variation on rsbiomedical's:

Celine Dion walk up to a bar, the bar keep says, "so Celine, why the long face?"

Howdy All,
It was so hot today I say a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking:)

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So, he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, etc.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed???"
"No, because he's really, really heavy."

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

A: Because it didn't have any guts!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Q: What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

A: A pokemon.

Why did the monky fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

long joke but great
 

a hip young man goes out and buys the best car available:a 2004 mercedes slr. it is also the most expensive car in the world and cost him 500 thousand dollars. he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
an old man on a moped(looking about 80 years old) pulls up next to him. the old man looks over at the sleek,shiny car and ask ,what kind of car you have there sonny?
the young man replies, a 2004 mercedes slr. it cost a half a million dollars.
thats a lot of money says the old man, why does it cost so much?
because the car can do 320 miles per hour, states the young dude proudly.
the moped driver ask mind if i take a look inside?
no problem replies the owner.
so the old man pokes his head inside the window and looks around. then sitting back on his moped, the old man says thats a pretty nice car alright. but i'll stick with my moped.
just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do.he floors it and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 miles per hour. suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.it seems to be getting closer! he slows down to see what it can be and suddenly, whooosssshhhh
some thing whips by him, going much faster!!! what on earth could be going faster than my mercedes slr, the young man ask himself. then ahead of him he sees the dot comming toward him whoossshhh!!! it goes by again, headed in the opposite direction and it looks like the old man on the moped!! couldn't be, thinks the guy. how could a moped out run a mercedes slr? but again,he sees the dot in his rear view mirror!whoosshh,kablaammm. it plows in the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. the young man jumps out, and unbelievably, it is the old man!!! he runs up to the mangled old man and says,oh my god is there any thing i can do for you? the old man whispers in a lot of pain,unhook my suspender from your side view mirror
rich

A pink elephant walks into a bar. The bartender says "You're too early, he's not here yet."

My ex-wife and I used to argue a lot about sex and money. I thought she was charging me more than the other guys.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7-8-9.

RSVP's TO AN INVITATION TO THE SCIENTISTS' MILLENNIUM BALL
Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Darwin waited to see what evolved.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Diesel needes to smoke first.
Ampere was worried he wasn't current.
Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Edison thought it could be illuminating.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.
Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.
Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot, Can't stop now, must dash."
Newton planned to drop in.
Ohm resisted the idea.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco
Volta was electrified.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

Why does an elephant paint himself red?
Why?
So he can hide in a cherry tree.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
No.
See how effective it is.

Farming
 

There's this farmer. The State Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him chewing tobacco," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.

The farmer says, "That would be me."

Police see a man acting suspiciously....follow him into a bar, has half a pint and a samwich.....come out jumps on a bus.....next stop gets off and goes into a bar....half a pint and a samwich, come out, jumps on the bus....This goes on most of the afternoon....police decide to stop him....

''We been following you all afternoon....youv'e been in 9 bars and had a small drink and a samwich....you don't seem to be breaking any laws, but we would like to know what your doing".....

Man says.." I'm self employed."....Policeman says..'So, what's that got to do with it ?''.....Man says..."I'm having a office party." :D

I heard about the cross-eyed teacher who couldn't keep her pupils under control.

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
ans: If it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Never eat a TV dinner during a thunderstorm, I did once, lightning struck and the mashed potatoes went out.

Ok, I think this one is an ok joke, I changed the words around a little.

A husband and wife had been married 20 years. One night, the wife asked her husband "can we have relations with the lights on? We've always had relations with the lights off these past 20 years, lets try something different." The husband said "ok", and went to "work." "Wait a minute" says the wife, "explain this, why are you using this helper?" The husband told her "I'll explain the helper when you explain the kids."

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

Here in S.Texas it is about 8 to 10 beers.

A man is sitting in a sidewalk cafe watching 2 blond guys. One is digging a fairly sizable hole and the other comes behind him and fills it in. They go about 50 ft. down the street and do the same again. This goes on until they are nearly out of sight. The man in the cafe goes down to the blond guys and asks the 2 of them why they are digging holes and then filling them in.

The first guy says that he realizes that this must look pretty stupid but that this is their normal job. The guy asks how this can be any kind of normal job. The first blond tells him that there are usually 3 of them and that they work for the city garden department as a tree planting team only today the second man has called in sick.

You hear about the constipated mathemetician? He took a pencil and worked it out.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.

When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead.

What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

String in the bar
 

A String attempted to enter the bar when the bouncer stopped him. "We don't allow Strings in this bar"; he said with authority. "Who can come in?" the String asked. "Anything but a String"; was the reply. The string hung his head and left but once outside had an idea. He darted into the restroom , frizzed up one of his ends, and tie himself up. Returning to the bar the bouncer stopped him again and said angrily; "Aren't you that same String that tried to get in a few minutes ago?"...."No!"; said the String; "I'm a FRAYED KNOT"!

Indian Joke
 

Cowboy comes across an indian laying across railroad track with ear to tracks...Indian mumbles...many railway cars, travelling 30mph..cowboy says "you can tell that by listening to the rail..indian moans "no it ran over me 30 minutes ago........

Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet the first and the chap replies: "FAIR fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace As lang's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused goes to the next patient and greets him.
He replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thank it."

The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward
this is a mental ward? "No," replies the doctor. "It's the Burns unit."

Jokes that don't offend
 

A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog on his head...

Doctor "How can I help you"

Frog "Can you get this wart off my ass"
=========================================

Q: How do you keep a parrot from falling off its perch?

A: Polygrip

Two fish were sitting in a tank.

One fish asked the other: "How in the heck do you drive this thing?"

What did the father buffalo say to his boy when he left the herd?
Bye, son.

My four year old tells me this one:

A sponge goes to the playground and sees some kids and asks if he can play with them.

The kids tell him no.

The sponge replys: "Why not, I am a fungae"

Her other one is:

Why did the elephant cross the road?

It was the chickens day off.

the legendary pretzel hold
 

this is inspired by buckwheat's dog picture.

the us wrestling team were scheduled to wrestle the russians. the most famous soviet wrestler was a character named zerkov whose famous pretzel hold nobody ever escaped. the american who had to wrestle zerkov was very rattled and almost didn't take to the mat in fear, but encouraged by his team mates staulked onto the mat.

during the first round the match was pretty even, the repectful young american warily fending off the seasoned zerkov during the up period, and it ended with the score a zero zero tie.

at the beginnning of the second period it looked good for a while too, but soon the crafty russian had the younger american tied up in the legendary pretzel hold and was going for the fall. the rest of the american team groaned....he was doomed for sure.... nobody had ever escaped the pretzel hold!

suddenly the youngster erupted in a flurry of blurred movements which left the stunned zerkov pinned.

as the young american strutted from the mat his team mates asked him HOW? he got a rueful look on his face and answered "well, i knew i was in the pretzel hold and was doomed but suddenly i looked up and there was a set of testicals, so i thought why not? and i bit them as hard as i could..... and you would be surprised what you are capable when you bite your own balls!".

i hear.

tom w

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,

"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the
moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time,
we'll do Weeweechu."



So......Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....








"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

a contribution from my neighbor's son, he is a good kid

Q. What kind of underwear do old ladies wear?

A. Depends

Not that there's anyting wrong with that......
 

Q: Why do lesbians like whales so much?

A: Because they have 50 foot tongues and breath out of the top of their heads!

Q: What do you get when you have 50 politicians and 50 lesbians all in the same room?





A:100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a lesbian eskimo?







A Klondike....

How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?



Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the other to write a folk
song about it.

TWO BLONDES

Two blondes were working on a house.

The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch,
pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other
blonde, figuring this was worth looking into asked, "Why are you throwing those
nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's
pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed
toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely pissed off and yelled, "You MORON!!!
The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER
side of the house!!"

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?


A: "Thanks for the refill!"




:P

Anything funny yet....?
 

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?


A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.


:D

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?


A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:




PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

This morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly
into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crud."

Pause for reflection:


The brain of a honeybee is the size of a period.

The amount of plutonium that killed Alexander Litvinenko was the size of a period.

On opening day of McDonald's in Kuwait City, Kuwait, the drive-through line was seven miles long.