Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php
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A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sent to the
hospital.
The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man's wife. He
said, "Your husband has been suffering from serious stress.
If immediate action is not taken, he could die in a very
short time."
The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"
The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-free environment
in your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderful meals
for him every day. Also, you must be sure that you don't nag
him or stress him in any way."
On the drive home from the hospital, her husband asked, "So
what's wrong with me, honey?"
The woman paused for a moment and then replied, "Sorry,
honey, but you're going to die."
Received from Matt Durrant.
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A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee
when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a
hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the
startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room,
opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets, and pointing
out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint
there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman
was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement
tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says,
'HORSE for sale.'"
Received from Best of Humor.
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Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though
they've been around for more than 50 years, the members of
the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school
holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age
like the rest of us? With apologies to the late Charles
Schulz:
Charlie Brown:
Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in
manic depressives and people who are just having a bad day.
Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college
levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who
wears glasses.
Linus:
Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item
on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is
actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great
Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. The only man who makes
Bill Gates nervous.
Lucy:
Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband.
Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the
background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.
Schroeder:
After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a
piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his
piano.
Sally:
Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named
Sweet Babboo. Sells Mary Kay.
Peppermint Patty:
Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her
fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."
Snoopy:
In dog years, he'd be 350. What do you think would've
happened to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy
Hill Puppy Farm in Snoopy's memory.
by John C. Davenport
Received from FranCMT2.
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A man in a blue J.C. Penney suit had fallen between the
rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around,
vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over.
Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" Alas, the man
would not reach up.
Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way
through the crowd and leaned over the man.
"Friend," he asked with compassion, "what is your
profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man in the blue
suit.
"Please, sir, take my hand," said Ben Bebo.
The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly
pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed
bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you
anything, my friends..."
Received from Joke of the Week.
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Sometimes it's hard to make out the words...
1. "God bless America through the night with a light from a
bulb!"
2. "O Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, for I come from
Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!"
3. "Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father
and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast."
4. "We shall come to Joyce's bringing in the cheese."
5. "Yield not to Penn Station."
6. "While shepherds washed their socks by night."
7. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all
creatures, here we go."
Many of the above are obvious, but for those that are not,
here is the original wording, with the corrections marked
with *asterisks*:
1. "God bless America through the night with a light from
*above*!"
2. "O Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, for I come from
Alabama with a *banjo* on my knee!"
3. "Give us this day our *daily* bread! Glory be to the
Father and to the Son and to the *Holy Ghost.*"
4. "We shall come *rejoicing,* bringing in the *sheaves.*"
5. "Yield not to *temptation.*"
6. "While shepherds *watched* their *flocks* by night."
7. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all
creatures, *here below.*"
(Explanation added by GCFL.)
Received from Rick & Jini Watson.
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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in
the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be
skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and
stuff." --Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an
interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking
campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body."--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball
forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry,
Washington, DC
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia
Phillies Manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al
Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan
Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do
we need?"--Lee Iacocca
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is
a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football
quarterback and sports analyst
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC
Instructor
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992
because we received notice that you passed away. May God
bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your
circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville,
South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at
night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart
throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake
up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC
Chairman
Received from Dawn Paradise.
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Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire
chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for
the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be
careful; the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week
requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment.
"People actually call the fire department to help them with
rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on
fire?'"
Received from Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh List.
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A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and
anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do -
everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor'
to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time
for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost
my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya
goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a
little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number
47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr.
Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it
out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored
your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr.
Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the
doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by
complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't
remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now,
he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to
himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is
jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr.
Thompson was cured and fled the room!
Received from The Funnies.
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Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php