Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php
---------------------------------------------------

An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around
the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone, he said,
"There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars,
but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if
anyone has gone to heaven, he has."
They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave.
The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's
a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars,
and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone
has gone to hell, he has."
The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know,
Grandpa, you are very lucky."
"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.
"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to
draw on."
Received from Pastor Tim.
--

During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I
routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself
with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an
intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded
by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat
screen, sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy
information to the crew. It's like instant messaging."
Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's
screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The
colonel's on the way!"
Received from Pastor Tim.
--

At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a
full-size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows
visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what
the pilot sees and feels.
A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various
controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information
about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets
in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed
fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then he looked out at us
and said, "Grandma, could I have a quarter?"
Received from Steve Sanderson.
--

Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the
USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and
given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to
celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled
himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They
can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my
birthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased.
When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated,
"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take
away my birthday."
The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the
international date line -- and it was July 23.
Received from FranCMT2.
--

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are
marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,
"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are three million, four years, and
six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do
you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three
million years old when I started working here, and that was
four and a half years ago!"
Received from WestiMom.
--

While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat
on my face.
As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called
out, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern.
"Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your
parking space now?"
Received from Pastor Tim.
--

A family was on its way to the hospital where the
16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a
tonsillectomy. During the ride, the teenager and her parents
talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my
mouth open during the surgery?"
Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a
phone."
Received from L. Scott Brooksby.
--

1. He's a chiropractor, and she is a pain in the neck.
2. He's a funny old goat, and she's a great kidder.
3. He doesn't have a dollar, and she has no sense.
4. He sells balloons for a living, and she's full of hot
air.
5. He's bow-legged, and she's as straight as an arrow.
6. She's a math teacher, and he's a guy with a lot of
problems.
Received from Larry Sourbeer.
--

On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she
couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car
zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding
train, and through walls that fell away at the last second,
she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.
When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily,
"Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."
Received from Steve Sanderson.
--

On Monday a call came in to the school receptionist. "Hello,
please mark William absent today," said the man.
"Why?" asked the receptionist.
"He is sick," said the man.
"Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" asked the receptionist.
"My uncle," said William.
Received from CleanLaugh.
--

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands
free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in
the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we
wanted lastyear is back on the market. They're asking
$950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just
offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Received from Joseph Brauer.
--


Two friends signed up for college. When they looked at their
schedules, the first friend noticed he had Logical Reasoning
as a class. Not knowing what it was, he went to the class
and asked the teacher what logical reasoning was.
The teacher than proceeded to explain: "Do you have a weed
eater?"
"Yes," replied the guy.
"You have a weed eater, which means you have a lawn, which
means you have a house, which means you have kids, which
means you have a wife, which means you're straight."
When he got out of class, he met with his friend who asked
him what logical reasoning was about.
"Well," said the guy. "Do you have a weed eater?"
"No," replied the friend.
"Then you're gay!"
Received from Lorena Fregoso.
--

Little brother: What do I do now?
Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.
Little brother: Like this?
Big brother: Yeah.
Little brother: Now what?
Big brother: Hit "ENTER."
Little brother: "ENTER"?
Big brother: I mean "flush."
Received from Keith Sullivan.
--

How to Place New Employees in a Proper Department
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and
put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave
them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the
end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them
to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send
them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot
for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for
the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and
chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from
rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to the
Technical Documents team.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign
them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send
them to Marketing.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
Received from Joke of the Week.
--

Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.
But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed
them, complaining that his work had been completed a whole
year ago, and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy
had told me last year: namely, that in one year the windows
would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just
hung up... and I have not heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument!
Received from Paul Bateman.
--

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php