Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php
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In our town we have a regional mall that is two stories tall
with an escalator. There was a near tragedy the day before
yesterday when there was a power outage in the area, and
nine blondes were stuck on the escalator for almost five
hours.
Received from K D Kribbs.
--
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my
girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some
popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being
shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, and
gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
--
The year is 1905 -- one hundred years ago. What a difference
a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the year 1905:
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven
dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads
in the U.S.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more
heavily populated than California.
With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st
most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and
$4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per
year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at
home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had no college education.
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of
which were condemned in the press and by the government as
"substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women washed their hair only once a month, and they
used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New
Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union
yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been
invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high
school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the
counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then a pharmacist said, "Heroin clears the complexion,
gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and
bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
(Shocking!)
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one
full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years!
Received from Tim Krell.
--
Still living at home, bored, and expecting to inherit a
fortune when his sickly widower father died, Robert decided
he needed a woman to keep him company.
So he went to a singles bar, and he searched until he
spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Right
now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to
her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass away
and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman went
home with Robert that night.
And four days later, she became his stepmother.
Some men never learn...
Received from Kenneth Thomas.
--
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one
drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer,
but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a
musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't
improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give
him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And
if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his
sticks and make him a conductor."
Received from Pastor Tim.
--
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a
blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.
She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new
friends he'd meet, and so on.
When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and came
back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.
The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked,
"What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for
school.
"What? Again?" he asked.
Received from Pastor Tim.
--
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to
be institutionalized?"
"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and
ask him to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would
choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the
teacup."
"Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would
pull the plug."
(You are not required to tell anyone how you would have done
on this test.)
Received from William Jamerson.
--
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the
Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he
barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes
back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell
rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's
there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back;
again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says.
"I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St.
Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up
and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who
keeps ringing the bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St.
Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me," he replies.
Received from Doug Burton.
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Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php