>
>> I'd say this is mostly right:

The True Definition Of Tools
>>
>> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
>> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
>> the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it
>> against that freshly painted automobile part you were drying.
>>
>> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
>> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
>> fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the
>> time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
>>
>> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
>> their holes until you die of old age.
>>
>> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>>
>> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
>> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
>> unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
>> course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>>
>> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
>> available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
>> to the palm of your hand.
>>
>> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
>> flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
>> the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
>>
>> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
>> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16
>> or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>>
>> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
>> ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the
>> jack handle firmly under the bumper.
>>
>> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
>> upward off a
>> hydraulic jack handle.
>>
>> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>>
>> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has a tool for
>> getting dog **** off your boot.
>>
>> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
>> known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
>>
>> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
>> everything you forgot to disconnect.
>>
>> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that
>> inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
>> opposite the handle.
>>
>> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>>
>> TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
>> called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
>> sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at
>> night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-
>> watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
>> shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
>> Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
>> somewhat misleading.
>>
>> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
>> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also
>> be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>>
>> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-
>> burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
>> compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago pneumatic impact
>> wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 50 years ago by
>> someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
>>
>> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
>> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>>
>> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
>>
>> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
>> nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
>> expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
>>
>> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
>> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
>> well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
>> bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
>> parts -- also skin.
>>
>> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
>> garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also
>> the next tool that you will need.
>>
>> EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which
>> somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every
>> deficiency in foresight.
>>
>> AMEN !!
>>