"The French are sawed-off sissies who eat snails, slugs and cheese that tastes like people's feet. Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine, then gibber like baboons when you even try to speak to them in their own wimpy language".
You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too. The larger the German body, the smaller the German bathing suit, and the louder the German voice issuing demands and German orders to everybody who doesn't speak German. For this, and several other, reasons, Germany is known as "the land where the Israelis learned their manners".
Italy is not technically part of the Third World, but nobody has told the Italians"
"The Belfast pictured in Time magazine, the rubble-and-barbed wire, the litter-and-graffiti Belfast, is in fact, a highly a highly photogenic impoverishment no longer than a mile long and a half a mile wide.
It's as though Architectural Digest came to "do" a house and only took pictures of the teenager's bedroom."
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"You can't get good Chinese takeout in China and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism."
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"You can call it the Third World, the Underdeveloped World, or the Part of the World that's Completely Screwed"
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Russia is not a threat anymore. Now it's just a disjointed group of individual states with too many "K's" and "Z's" in their names...a big conglomeration of Scrabble possibilities.
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No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the sources of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
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The insurgents call themselves Zapatistas, after Emiliano Zapata, one of the heroes of the Mexican revolution. Zapata believed in land redistribution. His idea was to redistribute land so that wealthy landowners had a small plot six feet deep.
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Bill almost had me convinced the Republicans caused Whitewater until I remembered that Arkansas only has about one Republican and he had to stay home that week because his wife accidentally used the sheet with the eyeholes in it to make the bed.
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Sex toys: There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among them is
the Mercedes Benz 380 SL convertible.
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Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
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It's easy to laugh at California, and we should laugh at California. But it's easy to forget that it is just an exaggerated form of Western Democracy.
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Feeling good about government is like looking at the bright side of a catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catstrophe is still there.
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Maybe a nation that consumes as much booze and dope as we do, and has our kind of divorce statistics should pipe down about "character issues".
Either that or just go ahead and determine the presidency with three legged races and pie eating contests. It would make better TV.
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I have only one firm belief about the American political system, and that is this: God is a Republican and Santa Claus is a Democrat. God is an elderly stern fellow. God is unsentimental. It is very hard to get into God's heavenly Country Club. Santa Claus is another matter. He's always cheeful and he loves animals. He may know who's been naughty and who's been nice, but he never does anything about it. He works hard for charities, and he's famously generous to the poor. Santa Claus is preferable to God in every way but one: There is no Santa Claus.
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Why is government so stupid? It's the difference between Harvard University and Harvard University football team.
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In general, life is better than it ever has been, and if you think that, in the past, there was some golden age of pleasure and plenty, to which you would,
if you were able, transport yourself, let me say one single word: "Dentistry."
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Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.
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I have often been called a Nazi, and although it's unfair, I don't let it bother me. I don't let it bother me for one simple reason: No one has EVER had a sexual fantasy about being tied to a bed and being sexually ravished by a someone dressed as a liberal.
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If Europeans didn't discover North America, then how did we all get here?
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There are a lot of mysterious things about boats, such as why anyone would get on one voluntarily.
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On Nicaragua:
"They (La Prensa) accused us of suppressing freedom of expression. This was a lie and we could not let them publish it"
~~Nelba Blandon, Nicaraguan Interior Ministry Director of Censorship, quoted in NY Times (1984)
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Half the world's suffering is caused by earnest messages contained in grand theories bearing no relation to reality: Marxism and No-fault Auto insurance, to name two. Earnestness is just stupidity sent to college.
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Ignorance is stupid, but education leads to college students. Smart people don't start too many bar fights but stupid people don't build many hydrogen bombs. But then again, smart people would never drop one. Or would they?
It's something we ought to know.
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Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope
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When other countries demand a role in the exercise of Global Power, America can ask another fundamental American question: "You and what army?"
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My grandmother wouldn't even speak the word Democrat if there were children in the room she'd say "Bastards" instead.
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The free market is ugly and stupid, like going to the mall; the unfree market is jsut as ugly and just as stupid, except there's nothing in the mall and if you don't go there, they shoot you
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