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300EVIL · #53 05-02-2008, 09:32 PM

A Pirate walks into a bar. He's got a peg-leg, a hook, a patch over one eye, the works...

The bartender asks him, "Are you a real pirate?"

The pirate answers, "Arrrr... Yes!"

The bartender says, "Wow! Cool... I've never met a real pirate before! If you don't mind me asking, how did you get that peg-leg?"

The pirate says, "Arrrr... That was many years ago when I was just a wee lad. I was climbing in the riggin' and I fell overboard. Just as me mateys were a'pullin me back aboard a shark swam up and bit me leg off below the knee!"

The bartender is shocked: "Gee, I didn't know a pirate's life was so dangerous! So then, what about the hook? How'd that happen?"

"Arrr... That was just last year, me friend. I was fightin' another pirate you see... The bastard got a lucky swing with his sword and cut me hand off at the wrist!"

"Oh dear!" exclaims the bartender, "That's harsh! So, how did you get the eye-patch?"

The pirate shakes his head and says, "Arrrr... A seagull **** in me eye..."

The bartender starts laughing and says, "Hold on a minute - you get your leg bitten off by a shark, you get your hand cut off by a rival pirate's sword, and yet you're telling me that you lost your eye because you got some bird poop in it?"

To which the pirate replies, "Well, you know... It was me first day with me new hook!"

Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended
her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat
and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said Sir I
need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for
her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys
get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,
they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped
for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been
waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A
sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he
knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets
stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of
his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his
hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The
truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge
and ran out of gas."

#5, THE TEACHER
Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses
for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness, or a death in your immediate family but
that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass
guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering
from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire
class does its best to stifle their laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher
smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her
head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."

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A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

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A: It's not hard.

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A: The blonde-she's eighteen.

Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes?
A: Because they go and answer the door.

Q: Why don't Baptists make love standing up?
A: Because it might lead to dancing.

Q: What is the difference between women and computers?
A: A women will not take a 3.25 inch floppy.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: What do you call a man who expects sex on the second date?
A: Slow

Q: What's the difference between Pee Wee Herman and OJ?
A: It only took twelve jerks to get OJ off.

Q: What do you call it when a women talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute

Q: What is the definition of nothing?
A: When a man with an erection walks into a brick wall and injures his nose.