My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning. Can you believe that.... 2:30 am?! Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says, "The sex is the same but the dirty dishes are piling up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "I think you're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend....yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

The irate wife says to her husband, "you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

I was explaining to my wife last night, that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

My wife has been missing for a week now. The police told me to prepare for the worst. So now, I have to go back to Goodwill and get all her clothes back.