Few old ones and a few new ones below:

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Really," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid then I was petrified.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70. "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.