A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I
quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were $70!!! BS, I thought, I can get one
cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her
balance, so I pushed her over.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe
that , 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . "Screw that" says
Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do
you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she
was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would
like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 cent coins out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no
reason. I thought to myself, "she's going through the change."

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a
voicemail ya dummy!"

19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick
replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum
with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no
surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

__________________
62 220sb
67 250S
72 280SE 4.5
74 280C
77 300D
82 240D
85 190E 2.3
86 300E RIP 12/28/09
85 300SD
92 300D 2.5
00 E320 Current
Over 1,000,000 miles in Benzes, Since66

....and a whole passel of BMW 2002 and Tii