I'm sure everyone will find their favorite ox gored here:

Humor Column by Mark Spittle

The New American Devil's Dictionary: Part 2

CAPITALISM: The ancient alchemical formula for turning other people’s lead into one’s own gold without expending one’s own energy. Despite it defying the laws of physics, the formula is attempted by many learned men in today’s society, with often dubious results. See also URI GELLAR.

COLLAGEN: The means by which the ugly gain confidence in their grotesque appearance.

COMMUNISM: A doctrine that proposes revolution against the wealthy employer class due to the suffering that class causes in society. Once thought of as an evil philosophy, the view has now been given new life as a result of Paris Hilton, whose father must be punished for the crime of releasing his daughter on the world.

DEMOCRATS: The name given to the group of white men who maintain power through the frequent invocation of black women.

DYNAMITE: A type of inexpensive microphone used by fanatics whose enthusiasm exceeds their funds.

EDUCATION: The process of passing on knowledge from one person to another, but doing so in a way that ensures the student never knows more than the teacher, thereby ensuring the eventual extinction of the species.

ELECTORAL COLLEGE: Not an educational institution, but rather a social fraternity comprised of those who failed to graduate.

FREEDOM: An ancient word, the meaning of which is now lost but still widely debated. Commonly suspected as having something to do with feminine hygiene products.

GOVERNMENT: A term with multiple meanings depending on the dialect of the user. To the Conservative, it is a word given to mean a system of bureaucracies that must be dismantled only to the extent that one’s own bureaucracy is unaffected. To the Liberal, the word is used to describe a tool used for personal punishment through self-induced public humiliation, typically utilized as a means to fulfill one’s hidden, masochistic desires. See also SELF-FLAGELLATION.

HASTERT: A contemporary form of the word HASTEN, but opposite in meaning: typically, one who frustrates progress through the placement of obstacles.

HEAVEN: A Utopian world view disproved by contemporary economists as naïve and misguided in that it fails to comprehend the base nature of Man. Today, largely thought of as the fictional promise of Marxists.

IMMIGRANT: One who moves from a place he is welcome to a place he is not; often confused with EMIGRANT, which is a person who moves in the opposite direction. The correct spelling of the word on one’s transit documentation may often mean the difference between deportation and a consulship.

JUDGE: (n) One who makes decisions in order to provide a precedent on which other men will base their decisions. (v) The act of proclaiming someone guilty of a crime regardless of evidence, in an attempt to appease an angry public and thereby save fifteen minutes on the commute home.

KENNEDY: The name given to those who partake in debauchery and bacchanalia, but do so with such flare and bombast as to resemble royalty.

LABOR UNION: An organization devoted to the inconveniencing of oppressors.

LIMBAUGH: A clear, odorless but highly addictive substance affecting most particularly the ignorant, upon whom it causes irrational rage, frothing of the mouth and paranoia.

NATIONAL INTEREST: A rate of return on a commodity of any origin owned by one in government; typically such interest provides a far greater return than those of conventional savings or investment plans.

NATIONAL SECURITY: The sense of psychological warmth citizens get when their leaders decry the values of other countries.

O’REILLY: One who masks the silence of his morality with the volume of his voice.

PARTISAN: A word used to describe one’s opponent during a disagreement on the floor of the US Senate. Considered a most foul epithet, the origin of the word is from “parisian,” but was mispronounced when first used by a Senator with false teeth, and the current pronunciation has remained in use.

PARTY: (a) A group of dull, witless opportunists gathered to discuss their inability to lead effectively, (b) The name given to the entertainment generated by observing (a).

PRIME MINISTER: The leading figure in a group of ill-mannered foreigners.

PROGRESSIVES: Those whose political views are forward-looking, resulting in a limited field of view that allows Conservatives to shove things up their a$$es.

PROTESTANT: A Catholic prone to whining over minutiae.

QUAGMIRE: A sticky substance left over from the accidental blending of gunpowder, blood and petroleum, often becoming exponentially more tacky when exposed to a power vacuum.

REAGANOMICS: An economic pump that siphons the wealth of swimmers into a pool to which they are disinvited.

RÉSUMÉ: A work of art that improves over time, especially when exposed to government.

RIGHT WING: An aerodynamic structure composed of a bent leader, a rigid, inflexible main body, and a crooked trailing edge, used primarily to cut through resistance and thereby lift itself to new heights. Typically built of lightweight materials that have little substance.

RUMSFELD: An often hilarious showman whose erratic behavior and comedic antics are mistaken for serious philosophy.

SATAN: A rock thrown across one’s path on the journey towards Heaven, usually tossed by someone in the passing lane.

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: A contemporary shortening of the term “Secretary of the Defense Industry.”

SECRETARY OF STATE: Until 2000, the term was used to define a position within the government tasked with overseeing matters of state. After 2000, the term is used to define one overseeing matters of secretaries.

SLAVERY: A term used to define the most advanced state of worker productivity attainable. The concept has been generally accepted as good practice, with the exception of WHITE SLAVERY, which has been globally denounced as barbaric.

SUPREME COURT: A group of hand-picked, non-elected judges who preside over the laws of a democratic nation that otherwise abhors hand-picking and non-electing.

TAXES: The means by which those who fight against government fund their insurgencies.

TERRORIST: A word which has undergone radical change in the past two years, it now is taken to mean any frightening character, such as nontraditional enemy combatants, militant protesters, or egg-wielding trick-or-treaters.

TROTSKYITE: A form of kryptonite lethal only to Stalinists.

VICE PRESIDENT: (a) Old meaning: one who does no presiding, but is granted a title in exchange for his silence. (b) Contemporary meaning: the ruler of the free world; see also
VENTRILOQUIST.

WEALTH: What one gets when one votes inappropriately, or steals the votes of those that hadn’t.

Mark Spittle is one half of the political satire duo Spittle & Ink. He is a former Washington lobbyist and congressional assistant.
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