Bush to Puerto Rico: "You're Next"

Louisville, KY - During a speech given to the National Society of School Principals, President Bush said that the next target for U.S. military action would be Puerto Rico.

After a resounding victory in Iraq, Bush said that "several" countries were still funding terrorism, building weapons of mass destruction, and "generally being a pain in the ass". In addition to usual suspects North Korea and Syria, Bush also named Puerto Rico as a threat to the U.S.


President retracts statement after learning Puerto Rico is United States territory

Said Bush, "Puerto Rico is a place that the U.S. military may have to visit very soon. While I have no concrete evidence of any weapons of mass destruction or harboring of terrorists (in Puerto Rico), I have yet to meet a Puerto Rican that I trust."

The President continued to say that although North Korea and Syria present a more pressing threat to the U.S., Puerto Rico would be next. He said that he expected a quick and decisive victory over Puerto Rico "Because, as far as I know, they don't have a military of their own."

Another factor in a U.S. victory would be that "Geographically speaking, Puerto Rico is pretty close to (the United States). I figure we send a few platoons over there in some boats or something, and in a week or so, it would all be over", said Bush.

Soon after his comments, his advisors interrupted the President's speech and pulled him aside, where they apparently informed Bush that Puerto Rico is in fact a United States territory, not a menacing foreign power.

A visibly shaken and embarrassed Bush returned to the podium, where he admitted a "very serious mistake". He then tried to lighten the mood by asking the crowd of school principals not to "give him detention" for the error.

At the end of his speech, Bush again addressed his earlier comments, saying "Puerto Rico is a valued territory of the United States. In fact, I think it is my favorite U.S. territory. Not only will our military not attack the great island of Puerto Rico, as a gesture of goodwill, we may even decide to play major league baseball games there one day."

Advisors again rushed in and stopped the President's speech, and this time, Bush did not return to the podium. In a press release issued later that day, the White House said that Bush was "mentally drained" from the war in Iraq, and that his comments "should not count".