I've been bartending for just over two years, and these are my thoughts;
Originally posted by Kuan...
1) You leave my dirty utensils on the table after each course
2) I have to pour my own wine
3) There are crumbs all over my table
4) The server wanting to get to know me
5) Empty water glasses
6) Servers who know nothing about the food they serve
7) Servers who don't check back at your table almost immediately after you take the first bite
8) Excuses, made up ones or otherwise
9) Dirty uniforms
10) Improper sanitation habits
Absolutely nothing on this list is unreasonable, and is reasonable to expect in a decent place. These are the things that should really be affecting the gratuity. I've tried to pick a few elements out of the list that should have some priority, but I failed. I do think a servers attempt at getting to know you is more forgivable, it just depends on the kind of place. I'll address this in a second.
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Never tip more than 20%, at least if you frequent the establishment often, as you don’t want people to think you’re an insecure chump.
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This is often true. Many big tippers do so because they don't feel they deserve good service without paying for it. On the other hand, being good at service is like being good at anything else involving close contact with customers, like a barber or whatever else. Many people come to a bar or a restaraunt to have their backs scratched in very particular ways, to have a certain kind of "experience".
I wait on many industry people, they come to where I work because they know they can rely on it and it makes them feel great. They and others pay for it in part because they appreciate it and feel great, but also because a highly paid waitstaff should, at least in theory, be a highly skilled and competent one. The tips raise the job-rent, and help to insure quality service consistently. I'm open to being wrong on this point, but I think its true.
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for bad service, i tell the server why and i leave no tip.
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I agree, only if the problem was gross and could not be resolved. I have left places before, but only because the service was so bad I found it to be more institutional than due to the fault of the server. Things like cold food for everyone I'm with, looking around wondering if anyone actually works there, bad attitude of the staff, etc. If the server sucks, usually speaking with a manager has favorable results. If the manager sucks, I never look back. They'll close soon anyway.
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Of course I need change, it's my money until I decide to part with it.
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Absolutely. A server not bringing change back to the table, or returning it to the bar is wrong. It just shouldn't be done. I triend to train a new bartender at work and this point consistently evaded her. Even if someone pays a $10.25 tab and gives you $14.00, you return $3.75. It isn't yours until they leave the bar. Its rude and presumptuous to do otherwise, and people are drinking and often make mistakes, leaving too much cash. I took a tip of $80 once on a $20 tab, and they paid in twenties. I kept it in my pocket, and sure enough they came back to the bar after a few hours wondering where their money went. I gave it back to them, of course.
Getting back to being friendly as mentioned before:
I learned to wait tables in Chicago during undergrad, where "Russian service" still has some meaning. I came to Kansas City never planning to do it again. After I started bartending (which I had never done before), I actually had complaints because I seemed stand-offish and snooty, and this is at a solid place. A server trying to get to know you may just be someone trying to introiduce you to the place, or trying to find a way to serve you better. There is no excuse for being obnoxious or "TGIFridays stupid", but friendliness has its advantages.