From the book of Steven Wright:

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

If you had everything, where would you put it?

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

I have an existential map. It has "You Are Here" written all over it.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case.... coincidence?

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.