I was in bed last night with my wife. She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse."

I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.

Irish Mirror



(I hope this brightens up your day)

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old

Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image

staring back at him.

'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the

way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in

the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go

there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the

mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly b!tch

he's running around with.'

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and her makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger, and cursing at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car.''

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch beam came to
rest on a parrot.



'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird
'Moses'?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'.'

New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.



(Passing requires only 4 correct answers)



1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?______________



2) Which country makes Panama hats?_________________



3) From which animal do we get cat gut?____________________



4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?_______



5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?____________



6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?_______

7) What was King George VI's first name?___________________



8) What colour is a purple finch?____________________



9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?_____________________



10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?_________



Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below ......

















ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ



1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years



2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador



3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses



4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November



5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur



6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs



7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert



8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson



9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand



10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)



What do you mean, you failed?

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up.

Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park,
Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! - there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'...

'So the bloody judge gave me 30 days for perjury!'

Bonus question for extra points......

In what ocean are the Canary Islands located? :confused:

Donald & Daisy


Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending

the night together in a hotel room and Donald

wanted to have sex with Daisy.


The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have

a condom?"


Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom,

they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she

suggested.



So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the

hotel clerk if they had condoms.


"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out

from under the counter and gave it to Donald.


The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them

on your bill?"


"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."


Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"


A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... The driver won £52!


Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.


Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"



The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.


Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind LickManeuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Tools explained;



DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.



BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.


PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes & fingers, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

The previous (Thanks to Peter Egan) had only appeared 11 times previously, so now it's officially a dozen!

and now for something completely different . . .

Over the past few days, the GOP leadership has been trying to come up with a new strategy for the next election.

"We need to attract more Latino voters!" says one;

"We have to be more responsive to women's issues besides rape" says another;

"We can't be just the party for the wealthy" another sighs.

A voice from the back of the meeting,full of confidence and vigor, shouts out "I can and will do that, for the good of the party!"


"Oh, sit down Mitt" they all say.

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW.

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.



You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

After all, it is ONLY A SIGN..


You may say 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'






Answer:






A FUNERAL PARLOUR.


(WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

= God Bless Scotland =