TOOLS-Proper use & description. - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

Mr.Kenny · #1 01-16-2006, 09:25 AM

Subject: Tool Descriptions: A primer

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry-bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light. It is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last overtightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

G-Benz · #2 01-16-2006, 10:39 AM

Were you watching me working in my garage this past weekend?

Btw, my air compressor is a hydroelectric-energy-plant-sucking behemoth that sounds like a Sherman tank, while forcing 60 gallons of 135 psi pressurized air into a giant red tank...only to be metered out in 20psi increments for girls' soccer balls...

J. R. B. · #3 01-16-2006, 07:39 PM

If you are holding your work with your hands while using a drill press you deserve all the pain, agony, and emergency room bills. That's what a drill press vise is for. Even a cheap made in China vise is better than nothing. Another saftey tip for machine work is that you NEVER wear gloves while operating a machine. A glove can get sucked into the work or a bit and take you along with it. My two cents worth. J.R.B.

boneheaddoctor · #4 01-17-2006, 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by J. R. B.

If you are holding your work with your hands while using a drill press you deserve all the pain, agony, and emergency room bills. That's what a drill press vise is for. Even a cheap made in China vise is better than nothing. Another saftey tip for machine work is that you NEVER wear gloves while operating a machine. A glove can get sucked into the work or a bit and take you along with it. My two cents worth. J.R.B.

or rings or loose sleeves, or unbuttoned flannel shirt.......

J. R. B. · #5 01-17-2006, 09:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by boneheaddoctor

or rings or loose sleeves, or unbuttoned flannel shirt.......

Somewhere in one of my books is a picture of a lathe chuck where a guy with long hair got his hair caught. The damn fool got scalped.

boneheaddoctor · #6 01-17-2006, 09:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by J. R. B.

Somewhere in one of my books is a picture of a lathe chuck where a guy with long hair got his hair caught. The damn fool got scalped.

yeah.....the never wear loose fitting clothing around power tools is one lesson that has followed me through life ....and I learned that one in 7th grade woodshop. Nope never happened to me but I do have and always did have a very good imagination and could very vividly visualise the outcome of such a powertool /loose clothing interaction.