treehouse of horrors V...

What to do with dead chemists?

Barium.

Eva Peron hired a couple of American chefs, Tina Smith and Marge
Jones, known well for their American southern cuisine, fried chicken,
chicken fried steak, etc. After several months of their employment,
Eva noticed that her clothing wasn't fitting as well as it once did.
She went to her doctor, who told her that it was all of the deep-
fried food she had been consuming, and that she'd gained 20 pounds.
Furious, she went back to her mansion, strode in to the kitchen, and
burst out singing: "Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina."

An old Dorothy Parker line --
 

.
I think I'm going to be able to use the word "opium" in a sentence.

"I opium mother is feeling better."

No, I guess I'm not, either.
.

And another --
 

Did you hear about the woman with loose morals and a fondness for members of the legal profession, who got hurt in England recently?

She was injured sliding down a barrister.
.

It has been said that there are no bad puns---only "groaners".
This thread may challenge that wisdom.

A bunch of monks were selling roses outside the Playboy mansion. After several complaints, the cops broke them up and sent them on their way. The next day, the were back again. Same thing happened, the cops were called and they were shooed away. This went on for weeks when finally, Mr. Hefner came out and had a talk with them. Amazingly, they never came back again. Moral of the story is....

Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

What did the urologist say to the man with a swollen prostate gland?

Urine trouble now.

Being on the internet does not allow me to hear your groans:D

Did you hear about Jeffrey Daughmier's new freezer?
It sleeps 6 comfortably...

use the word Isthmus in a sentence.

Isthmus be my lucky day!

Ok here's a good one:

Difference Between Potentially and Realistically.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and
then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in
a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you
know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a
homo.

Danny

What did one Moslem mother say to the other Moslem mother?

The kids just blow up so fast these days:D

It is just a joke.

One of the many versions...
 

A philanthropist decides to donate his prize dolphins to
the local zoo. Upon making his donation, he reveals that
the dolphins can be kept alive indefinitely by feeding them
live myna birds. The zoo, not happy with the prospect of
depleting their myna bird collection, decides to send an
expedition to Africa to pick up some of the birds.

The bird seekers land their helicopter in a large clearing
in the middle of the jungle, and go off to seek their prey.
They search all the trees, the myna bird bars, the bird baths;
in short, all the places myna birds hang out. When they get
back to the clearing, they discover that a pride of lions has
taken up residence there. As the lions all appear very sleepy,
they decide to tiptoe their way back to the safety of their
helicopter. But, alas, when they get back to the helicopter,
the game warden pops out and writes them a citation for

"Transporting mynas over sedate lions for immortal porpoises."

The chief of a poor Native American tribe, where there were no paved
roads, no electricity, and no indoor plumbing, scrimped and saved,
and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did
well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a
bachelor's degree in electrical engineering. Arriving home after
graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with
plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son
was awakened by a call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down
the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the
lack of lights. The next day, the son decided to put his education to
work. He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction
drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights
for the path leading to it. It was constructed and was an immediate
success. This chiefs son will go down in history as the first Indian
to wire a head for a reservation.

did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

tom w