Aircraft humor thread good for a laugh

[Jim B.]

Don't know how true they are. but they are funny

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10:00, 6 miles"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint. We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn left 45 degrees"
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored"

Ground Traffic Control" "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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O'Hare approach control to a 747: "United 329, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this: I've got the little Fokker in sight"
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A student became lost during a solo cross country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff"
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights, and return to the airport".
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A Pan Am 727, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer, you must speak in English"
Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane: (In beautiful British accent) "Because you lost the bloody war!"
==============
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702:
"Eastern 702 switching for departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway".

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, behind Eastern 702, contact departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we've copied Eastern, and we've already notified our caterers"
==============
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told to hold short of the active runway while a DC8 landed. The DC8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick witted comedian on the DC8 crew got on the radio and said "What a cute little plane, Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one"
================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt are renowned as a short tempered lot.
They expect one to know one's gate parking position, and also how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (A Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206:

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway"
Ground: "Speedbird 206, taxi to Alpha One-Seven"
The BA 747 pulled on to the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground. I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground: (with quite arrogant impatience) "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206: (cooly) "Yes, twice, in 1944 - but it was dark. And I didn't land"
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming, "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway. You turned onto Delta. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move until I tell you! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am" the humble crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definately running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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[LaRondo]

Originally Posted by Jim B.

Don't know how true they are. but they are funny

A Pan Am 727, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer, you must speak in English"
Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane: (In beautiful British accent) "Because you lost the bloody war!"

..."because you lost the bloody war" ... haha

[cmac2012]

Originally Posted by Jim B.

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn left 45 degrees"
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Good stuff. This one was my favorite.

Noise abatement indeed.

[TX76513]

LMAO

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground. I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground: (with quite arrogant impatience) "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206: (cooly) "Yes, twice, in 1944 - but it was dark. And I didn't land"

[BENZ-LGB]

This stuff is Fokker'ing great!

[WVOtoGO]

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"


It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles." Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him." KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic? Delta 105: Long pause followed by a thick southern drawl, "Well, I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle though."

[WVOtoGO]

PROPOSED FEDERAL AVIATION REGULATION ACT

1000.A
No mechanic or mechanics, or person or persons acting on the direction or suggestion or supervision of the mechanic or mechanics may try, or attempt to try or make or make attempt to try to comprehend or understand any or all, in whole or in part of the herein mentioned Federal Aviation Regulations, except as authorized by the Administrator or an agent appointed by, or inspected by the Administrator.

1000.B
If the mechanic, or group of associated mechanics becomes aware of, or realize, or detects, or discovers or finds that he, or she, or they, are or have been beginning to understand the Federal Aviation Regulations, they must immediately, within three (3) days notify, in writing, the Administrator.

1000.C
Upon receipt of the above mentioned notice of impending comprehension, the Administrator will immediately rewrite the Federal Aviation Regulations in such a manner as to eliminate any further comprehension hazards.

1000.D
The Administrator may, at his or her option, require the offending mechanic, or mechanics, to attend remedial instruction in Federal Aviation Regulations until such time that the mechanic is too confused to be capable of understanding anything.

[WVOtoGO]

Anything that screws it's way into the sky flies according to unnatural principals.

You never want to sneak up behind an old high-time helicopter pilot and clap your hands. He will instantly dive for cover and most likely whimper...then get up and kick your butt.

There are no old helicopters laying around airports like you see old airplanes. There is a reason for this. Come to think of it, there are not many old high-time helicopter pilots hanging around airports either so the first issue is problematic.

You can always tell a helicopter pilot in anything moving, a train, an airplane, a car or a boat. They never smile, they are always listening to the machine and they always hear something they think is not right. Helicopter pilots fly in a mode of intensity, actually more like "spring loaded", while waiting for pieces of their ship to fall off.

Flying a helicopter at any altitude over 500 feet is considered reckless and should be avoided. Flying a helicopter at any altitude or condition that precludes a landing in less than 20 seconds is considered outright foolhardy.

Remember in a helicopter you have about 1 second to lower the collective in an engine failure before it becomes unrecoverable. Once you've failed this maneuver the machine flies about as well as a 20 case Coke machine. Even a perfectly executed autorotation only gives you a glide ratio slightly better than that of a brick. 180 degree autorotations are a violent and aerobatic maneuver in my opinion and should be avoided.

When your wings are leading, lagging, flapping, precessing and moving faster than your fuselage there's something unnatural going on. Is this the way men were meant to fly?

While hovering, if you start to sink a bit, you pull up on the collective while twisting the throttle, push with your left foot (more torque) and move the stick left (more translating tendency) to hold your spot. If you now need to stop rising, you do the opposite in that order. Sometimes in wind you do this many times each second. Don't you think that's a strange way to fly?

For Helicopters: You never want to feel a sinking feeling in your gut (low "g" pushover) while flying a two bladed under-slung, teetering rotor system. You are about to do a snap-roll to the right and crash. For that matter, any remotely aerobatic maneuver should be avoided in a Huey. Don't push your luck. It will run out soon enough anyway.

If everything is working fine on your helicopter consider yourself temporarily lucky. Something is about to break.

The thing is, helicopters are different from planes. An airplane by it's nature wants to fly, and if not interfered with too strongly by unusual events or by a deliberately incompetent pilot, it will fly. A helicopter does not want to fly. It is maintained in the air by a variety of forces and controls working in opposition to each other, and if there is any disturbance in this delicate balance the helicopter stops flying; immediately and disastrously. There is no such thing as a gliding helicopter.

This is why being a helicopter pilot is so different from being an airplane pilot, and why in generality, airplane pilots are open, clear-eyed, buoyant extroverts and helicopter pilots are brooding introspective anticipators of trouble. They know if something bad has not happened, it is about to.

[Mistress]

Anyone remember the Darwin Award story about the guy who attached weather balloons along with himself to a lawn chair and quickly reached an altitude of something like 15,000 feet? Apparently a Pan Am pilot saw this and radioed it in. I can't remember who rescued him but when he came down to earth it cost him a sh--load money in fines.

[WVOtoGO]

Originally Posted by Mistress

Anyone remember the Darwin Award story about the guy who attached weather balloons along with himself to a lawn chair and quickly reached an altitude of something like 15,000 feet? Apparently a Pan Am pilot saw this and radioed it in. I can't remember who rescued him but when he came down to earth it cost him a sh--load money in fines.

There have been a few of these (people) over the past decade or two. It’s taking flying to it’s simplest degree.
I think most bring them selves back down by shooting the balloons with a pellet gun.
No rescue necessary. But, yes - They do get into a bit of trouble when they get down.

I’m all for aviation (obviously) in most any respect. I’ve been known to fly things that I probably should not have. Including some “aircraft” that I still haven’t figured out why they even flew in the first place. I do have some hot-air balloon time - But strapping my ass to a lawn chair carried aloft by a bunch of helium balloons is something I think I’d pass on.
I guess I prefer having more control. Give me a PT6 strapped to a sheet of plywood any day.

[Mistress]

Originally Posted by WVOtoGO

There have been a few of these (people) over the past decade or two. It’s taking flying to it’s simplest degree.
I think most bring them selves back down by shooting the balloons with a pellet gun.
No rescue necessary. But, yes - They do get into a bit of trouble when they get down.

I’m all for aviation (obviously) in most any respect. I’ve been known to fly things that I probably should not have. Including some “aircraft” that I still haven’t figured out why they even flew in the first place. I do have some hot-air balloon time - But strapping my ass to a lawn chair carried aloft by a bunch of helium balloons is something I think I’d pass on.
I guess I prefer having more control. Give me a PT6 strapped to a sheet of plywood any day.

WVO- Anytime you wanna do alittle barnstorming- call me I'm going with ya!

[BamaMB]

This reminds me of a radio exchange an old Eastern airlines pilot told me about that happened to him. He was the captain on Eastern flight 69 going into New Orleans and his co-pilot was working the radio.

New Orleans Approach: "Eastern 69, airport 12 O'clock eight miles, contact the tower."

Eastern 69: "Roger"

Changed to tower frequency

Eastern 69: "New Orleans tower Eastern sixty nine is eight out (slight pause as the co-pilot realize what he just said)... Pardon the expression.."

[WVOtoGO]

Originally Posted by Mistress

WVO- Anytime you wanna do alittle barnstorming- call me I'm going with ya!

Sounds fun. Sorry - No whips aloft.

Here’s just a few more from DJs list of her many "rules of the sky" when flying the Stearman. Studen/guest gets the front seat. Instructor/pilot in the rear.


No barfing outside the bag. Anything that gets out of the front cockpit, often hits the person in the rear cockpit square in the face. Unless you are confident that you can land the aircraft - not a good thing.

There is a little souvenir baseball bat kept in the rear cockpit. If for whatever reason you lock up on the controls, said bat will reach the back of your head.

The aircraft is equipped with a voice activated intercom system. No eating of crunchy food is allowed at any time during the flight.

Just because you see the power lines doesn’t mean the person flying the aircraft does. Aircraft have no “back seat drivers”. So - Speak up, or die.

She'll go over the rest with you when the time comes.

[R Leo]

The Sea Dart...


The Fairey Battle..


The X-3...


XfV-1...


XYF-1...


CriCri...

[Palangi]

As told by my uncle, who was, at the time, a controller at Chicago Center:

Air Force 2 used to fly from Washington DC to Minneapolis regularly on Friday nights. That would be VP Hubert Humphry flying home for the weekend.

One Friday evening, Air Force 2 requested some particular clearance, which the controller was unable to give him due to other traffic. Air Force 2 tried to throw his weight around, basically asking the controler if he knew who was riding in the back of the aircraft. The controller replied something to the effect of "damn right I know who's in the back of that airplane, and I didn't vote for that %^$#@#@ anyway".