Aircraft humor thread good for a laugh

[Jim B.]

Don't know how true they are. but they are funny

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10:00, 6 miles"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint. We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn left 45 degrees"
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored"

Ground Traffic Control" "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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O'Hare approach control to a 747: "United 329, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this: I've got the little Fokker in sight"
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A student became lost during a solo cross country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff"
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights, and return to the airport".
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A Pan Am 727, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer, you must speak in English"
Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane: (In beautiful British accent) "Because you lost the bloody war!"
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702:
"Eastern 702 switching for departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway".

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, behind Eastern 702, contact departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we've copied Eastern, and we've already notified our caterers"
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told to hold short of the active runway while a DC8 landed. The DC8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick witted comedian on the DC8 crew got on the radio and said "What a cute little plane, Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one"
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt are renowned as a short tempered lot.
They expect one to know one's gate parking position, and also how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (A Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206:

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway"
Ground: "Speedbird 206, taxi to Alpha One-Seven"
The BA 747 pulled on to the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground. I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground: (with quite arrogant impatience) "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206: (cooly) "Yes, twice, in 1944 - but it was dark. And I didn't land"
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming, "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway. You turned onto Delta. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move until I tell you! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am" the humble crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definately running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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[LaRondo]

Originally Posted by Jim B.

Don't know how true they are. but they are funny

A Pan Am 727, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer, you must speak in English"
Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane: (In beautiful British accent) "Because you lost the bloody war!"

..."because you lost the bloody war" ... haha

[cmac2012]

Originally Posted by Jim B.

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn left 45 degrees"
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Good stuff. This one was my favorite.

Noise abatement indeed.

[TX76513]

LMAO

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground. I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground: (with quite arrogant impatience) "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206: (cooly) "Yes, twice, in 1944 - but it was dark. And I didn't land"

[BENZ-LGB]

This stuff is Fokker'ing great!

[WVOtoGO]

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"


It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles." Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him." KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic? Delta 105: Long pause followed by a thick southern drawl, "Well, I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle though."

[WVOtoGO]

PROPOSED FEDERAL AVIATION REGULATION ACT

1000.A
No mechanic or mechanics, or person or persons acting on the direction or suggestion or supervision of the mechanic or mechanics may try, or attempt to try or make or make attempt to try to comprehend or understand any or all, in whole or in part of the herein mentioned Federal Aviation Regulations, except as authorized by the Administrator or an agent appointed by, or inspected by the Administrator.

1000.B
If the mechanic, or group of associated mechanics becomes aware of, or realize, or detects, or discovers or finds that he, or she, or they, are or have been beginning to understand the Federal Aviation Regulations, they must immediately, within three (3) days notify, in writing, the Administrator.

1000.C
Upon receipt of the above mentioned notice of impending comprehension, the Administrator will immediately rewrite the Federal Aviation Regulations in such a manner as to eliminate any further comprehension hazards.

1000.D
The Administrator may, at his or her option, require the offending mechanic, or mechanics, to attend remedial instruction in Federal Aviation Regulations until such time that the mechanic is too confused to be capable of understanding anything.