funny joke - Page 4 - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

mgburg · #46 01-20-2009, 04:07 PM

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about...

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000.

He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

mgburg · #47 01-20-2009, 04:09 PM

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength...

I'll beat him to death.

mgburg · #48 01-20-2009, 04:13 PM

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Pooka · #49 01-21-2009, 12:24 AM

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it is too dark to read.

Botnst · #50 01-27-2009, 07:29 PM

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa.. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Botnst · #51 02-17-2009, 08:35 AM

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice
insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands
would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up
for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached,
the gynecologist, prepared carefully for weeks and completed the
exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to
find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he
called the instructor, saying: "I don't want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding
result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you
took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also
worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave
you an extra 50% because
you did it all through the muffler, which
I've never seen done in my entire career.

cscmc1 · #52 02-17-2009, 10:04 AM

This is a repost, but worth a second read:

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Jay,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a
mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's
daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We
have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave
him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling
increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since
I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go
to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?
Sincerely,

Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of
these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

Jay

Botnst · #53 02-18-2009, 09:10 PM

Dennis walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'

Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three tests?'

'Pay first, those are the rules.' says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'OK,' the bartender says. 'Here's what you need to do ......

First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her.'

Dennis is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things ....'

'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on and Dennis has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, 'Wherez zat tequila?'

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with big slurps. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

'Now,' Dennis says. 'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'

Carleton Hughes · #54 02-19-2009, 07:49 AM

What is the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a makeup artist?

The Quantum Theorist uses Planck's Constant as a foundation,
whereas the makeup artist constantly uses Max Factor's foundation.

Dee8go · #55 02-25-2009, 03:12 PM

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have
two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the
Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the
cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi,
we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!"

Botnst · #56 03-12-2009, 02:51 PM

COWBOY WHISPERER

Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of TOTAL amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

Dee8go · #57 04-07-2009, 08:47 AM

I got this today and thought I'd pass it along for your amusement.

Top Ten Country Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've Woke
Up With a Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd
Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She Gets Better Lookin' with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All
Day