George Carlin's New Rules 2008

[Mistress]

Here ya go
1. No more gift registries. You know, it used to be for weddings, now its for new homes, babies, graduations from re-hab. Picking out stuff you want and having other people buy it, isn't gift giving it;s white people version of looting.

2. Stop giving me the pop-up ad-for classmates.com! There is a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Becasue you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days---- mowing lawns.

3. Stop saying teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: Lucky bastards.!

4. Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

5. Don't eat anything thats served to you out of a window unless your a seagull. People are acting all schocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, what it cost, less than a dollar. What did you expect to find, lobster?

6. Just becasue your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. Your not spiritual. Your just high.

7. When I ask how old your toddler is I don't need to hear "27 months" He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I really don't care in the first place.