Infidelity Knowledge etiquette - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

JenTay · #1 05-19-2008, 01:01 PM

If you are friendly with a husband and wife (equally) and you happen to discover that the husband is cheating, would you tell the wife somehow?

Additional facts:

-you discovered the affair accidentally (...saw them at the movies)
-the husband does not know you know
-your own husband (a conservative accountant for PWC) knew about the affair beforehand but never told you about the affair because he says it is none of your business to begin with.
-your husband is pissed off at you because the last time you saw the wife, you gave her a long strong hug for no apparent reason

Karma should take care of things in the long run but in the short run, i have no clue what to do.

John Doe · #2 05-19-2008, 01:05 PM

I have been in this situation 2x. The first time, I ratted out the woman who introduced me to my wife, because her husband had become a very good friend of mine. I was also offended because she was using times that she knew I was with him to do her deal so I felt a little used. Have been thanked for years on this one.....

The second time, a friend and I hired a PI and busted another friend's wife, because we knew he would never believe us. She was cheating with his best friend and a neighbor. We told him, he moved out, moved back in a month later and we don't speak anymore......

If it were me and I was equally friends with both, I wouldn't tell. But I wouldn't hang out with them anymore, either.

Mistress · #3 05-19-2008, 01:08 PM

It's not your place......besides, what would you do if they already knew? Some things are better left unsaid. Stick to fixing the lawn mower it's safer.

kerry · #4 05-19-2008, 01:10 PM

I think it depends on the circumstances. For instance, if the woman was trying to get pregnant, I'd definitely tell her. If the woman herself was having an affair, I probably wouldn't. If they already have children and you think it's better for the kids if they stay together, I probably wouldn't tell. If they have kids and he was abusive, I'd probably tell. If they have an open marriage, I wouldn't say anything.
If my spouse was totally opposed to telling her, I'd think long and hard before doing so.

JenTay · #5 05-19-2008, 01:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by John Doe

I

If it were me and I was equally friends with both, I wouldn't tell. But I wouldn't hang out with them anymore, either.

I am leaning towards this.

were both women in your story stay-at-home-moms?

JenTay · #6 05-19-2008, 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mistress

It's not your place......besides, what would you do if they already knew? Some things are better left unsaid. Stick to fixing the lawn mower it's safer.

oh btw the mower runs like a champ now. we used a 'wonder bar' to pry the flywheel off. i did not need the flywheel puller. the flywheel key only cost 50 cents. what a difference.

aklim · #7 05-19-2008, 01:18 PM

MYOB. People tend to shoot the messenger.

The wife will be pissed because YOU were delivering the bad news. The husband would be pissed because you ratted him out. You need to ask yourself why you are meddling in the first place. If it is to alienate both of them, sure. If not, I wouldn't. Also, you might get your husband involved in this whole thing which I am sure he probably didn't want a part of.

What you haven't said is why you want to get involved? You could just pretend you didn't know and if it comes to light, "OMG!! He did that!! I didn't know!!".

MS Fowler · #8 05-19-2008, 01:20 PM

Jen,
Some things to consider---
How consistent are you in the rest of moral issues? Are you generally judgmental or laise-faire?
Does this situation fit with the rest of your moral activities? Is there something that makes this situation different? In other words, if you generally say " Its a personal choice", what would make you think that you should react differently that in other situations?
Is it any of your business? It really might be. It definitely will affect how you deal with the husband.
What is your view of marriage? The importance of the marriage vows? What are the couple's views?
Sorry, no answers; only questions.

Mistress · #9 05-19-2008, 01:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JenTay

oh btw the mower runs like a champ now. we used a 'wonder bar' to pry the flywheel off. i did not need the flywheel puller. the flywheel key only cost 50 cents. what a difference.

You go girl!

dynalow · #10 05-19-2008, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mistress

It's not your place......besides, what would you do if they already knew? Some things are better left unsaid. Stick to fixing the lawn mower it's safer.

I completely agree. Maybe they have a different arrangement about (in)fidelity.

Don't get ticked off at hubby for not sharing it with you. It gets beat into CPAs.

My motto: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

aklim · #11 05-19-2008, 01:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MS Fowler

Is it any of your business? It really might be. It definitely will affect how you deal with the husband.

What is your view of marriage? The importance of the marriage vows? What are the couple's views?

Assuming it isn't an open marriage or they are swingers, how so? He is cheating on his wife not you. Jen isn't wanting to get into a relationship of that nature with the guy so what does it matter?

Because of the nature of this case, only the 3rd question is meaningful. The other 2 are meaningless. However, there is much that isn't known like the couple's views so why bother? If they are having an open relationship or are swingers, why would they tell you? They might pretend to be Joe Average.

Again, what is the motivation for getting involved. Quite often if dogs fight and you get in the middle, you get bit by both dogs.

JenTay · #12 05-19-2008, 01:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MS Fowler

Jen,
Some things to consider---
How consistent are you in the rest of moral issues? Are you generally judgmental or laise-faire?
Does this situation fit with the rest of your moral activities? Is there something that makes this situation different? In other words, if you generally say " Its a personal choice", what would make you think that you should react differently that in other situations?
Is it any of your business? It really might be. It definitely will affect how you deal with the husband.
What is your view of marriage? The importance of the marriage vows? What are the couple's views?
Sorry, no answers; only questions.

eloquently said. personally, i'm not judgemental. i come from the Ronald Reagan school of laissez faire. i don't go to church but i don't criticize those who do but i take no **** from those who say i should go.

i've decided to not be a rat but i will also limit my contact with both of them. Ratting is a no win situation for everyone.

BobK · #13 05-19-2008, 01:27 PM

Ann Launders always put it somewhat this way: Imagine the woman already knows but is trying to keep a little dignity. Then you go and say something. Now she no longer has a faithful husband OR privacy and dignity.
I'm not sure I agree with that, but it is something to think about. If my wife was busy on the side, I would probably want to know about it. However, I would rather a note with enough details to prove the case and a closing that said, "I have told no one and will not tell anyone" Note should be unsigned. We never know what goes on behind closed doors. I have know folks that were serial cheats and I have known women who turned to someone else simply because their husband hadn't gone near them in a while. I see and hear a lot of things and have decided it's all really complicated.

aklim · #14 05-19-2008, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JenTay

i will also limit my contact with both of them.

There is no rule that says you have to do that. Just be normal with the whole thing. Pretend it didn't happen or you will let out some secret.

KarTek · #15 05-19-2008, 01:34 PM

I personally can't stand cheaters...

You could take a couple approaches to this situation. One, if you're turly friends with both of them, why not approach the guy and tell him what you saw, get an explanation and tell him how you feel about it. Two, if you decide you want to rat him out, I would send an anonymous letter to the woman warning her to "watch the husbands behavior". This should be a couple weeks after the incident as well. There should be NOTHING to point the finger at you as the whistle blower and you shouldn't say anything to cause anyone to ask you questions you may not be able to answer truthfully.

Of course, both of these will potentially cause friction between you and your husband so you have to take this into consideration as well. The woman is going to find out eventually and sooner may be better than later...