AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

· Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
· Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
· For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
· A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
· If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You’ll be afraid to cough.
· You only need two tools in life: WD40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the Duct Tape.
· If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
DAILY THOUGHT
Some people are like Slinkies ~ not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
· Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Chris tmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
· Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now.So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
· If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone.Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
· As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
· Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
· Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
· If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
· Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
· Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. To be perfectly honest, the only fruitcake you should even consider eating is the one...where the fruit sits and ferments for a month before baked in the cakes or cup cakes and topped with homemade cream cheese frosting! Just talking about it I gain 5=2 0lbs. . . . . yep . . . I have the recipe.
· One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

I nearly split my sides laughing at those, Bot. Thanks!

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" We have nothing to fear but the main stream media itself . . . ."- Adapted from Franklin D Roosevelt for the 21st century

OBK #55

1998 Lincoln Continental - Sold
Max 1984 300TD 285,000 miles - Sold
The Dee8gonator 1987 560SEC 196,000 miles - Sold
Orgasmatron - 2006 CLS500 90,000 miles
2002 C320 Wagon 122,000 miles
2016 AMG GTS 12,000 miles

Funny stuff! The writer's humor reminds me of P.J. O'Rourke.

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'07 Yukon 2500
'13 Subaru Outback 3.6R
'13 Orbea Carpe 9-speed

Currently Benzless
Formerly: 300TD, S600, E55, 560SEL

---= The forest breathes, listen.
-Native American elder