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#1
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Killer chilli!
I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!! Here's the thing.. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofa*****!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left. Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
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1987 560SL 85,000 miles Meet on the level, leave on the square. Great words to live by Were we directed from Washington when to sow and when to reap, we should soon want bread. - Thomas Jefferson: Autobiography, 1821.
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#2
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Thanks for making me laugh so hard this morning. Luckily, I DIDN'T have any of MY chili last night, so all is well here . . .
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" We have nothing to fear but the main stream media itself . . . ."- Adapted from Franklin D Roosevelt for the 21st century OBK #55 1998 Lincoln Continental - Sold Max 1984 300TD 285,000 miles - Sold The Dee8gonator 1987 560SEC 196,000 miles - Sold Orgasmatron - 2006 CLS500 90,000 miles 2002 C320 Wagon 122,000 miles 2016 AMG GTS 12,000 miles |
#3
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Nice to see that you don't think that chili has beans.
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Never a dull moment at Berry Hill Farm. |
#4
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thanks I needed that laugh.
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"It's normal for these things to empty your wallet and break your heart in the process." 2012 SLK 350 1987 420 SEL |
#5
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Chili without BEANS?! Are you MAD?!
Hey, how do you like Pella windows?
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" We have nothing to fear but the main stream media itself . . . ."- Adapted from Franklin D Roosevelt for the 21st century OBK #55 1998 Lincoln Continental - Sold Max 1984 300TD 285,000 miles - Sold The Dee8gonator 1987 560SEC 196,000 miles - Sold Orgasmatron - 2006 CLS500 90,000 miles 2002 C320 Wagon 122,000 miles 2016 AMG GTS 12,000 miles |
#6
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Quote:
You can add beans to chili...but chili does NOT have beans. FWIW, my Bride thinks chili is made with ground meat and, oh the humanity, elbow macaroni. Not in my home it isn't.
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Never a dull moment at Berry Hill Farm. |
#7
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I knew that would get a rise out of you, Randy.
Sorry you had problems with your door. I got a Feather River fiberglass door last Fall and it performed admirably this Winter. I apologize for hijacking the thread. What was it about again?
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" We have nothing to fear but the main stream media itself . . . ."- Adapted from Franklin D Roosevelt for the 21st century OBK #55 1998 Lincoln Continental - Sold Max 1984 300TD 285,000 miles - Sold The Dee8gonator 1987 560SEC 196,000 miles - Sold Orgasmatron - 2006 CLS500 90,000 miles 2002 C320 Wagon 122,000 miles 2016 AMG GTS 12,000 miles |
#8
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Chilli Farts
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1987 560SL 85,000 miles Meet on the level, leave on the square. Great words to live by Were we directed from Washington when to sow and when to reap, we should soon want bread. - Thomas Jefferson: Autobiography, 1821.
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#9
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lmao, it would be even greater if it were all true
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#10
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Quote:
Isn't that a goulash or something? I have nothing but good things to say about Pella windows. Jplinville, great story!!
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On some nights I still believe that a car with the fuel gauge on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio. - HST 1983 300SD - 305000 1984 Toyota Landcruiser - 190000 1994 GMC Jimmy - 203000 https://media.giphy.com/media/X3nnss8PAj5aU/giphy.gif |
#11
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Someone must defend the honor of the State Food of Texas.
If You Know Beans About Chili, You Know That Chili Has No Beans by Ken Finlay, singer, songwriter, and owner of Cheatham Street Warehouse (a music hall in San Marcos), written in 1976. You burn some mesquite And when the coals get hot You bunk up some meat And you throw it on a pot. While some chile pods and garlic And comino and stuff Then you add a little salt Till there's just enough You can throw in some onions To make it smell good You can even add tomatoes If you feel like you should But if you know beans about chili You know that chili has no beans If you know beans about chili You know it didn't come from Mexico Chili was God's gift to Texas (Or maybe it came from down below) And chili doesn't go with macaroni And dammed Yankee's don't go with chili queens; And if you know beans about chili You know that chili has no beans
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Never a dull moment at Berry Hill Farm. |
#12
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And here I though chili was the original "hamburger helper", i.e. start with a little meat (roadkill, whatever) and add enough stuff to feed a family. Kind of like the soup you make when power's out and all that stuff in the freezer needs to be eaten or thrown out.
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1984 300TD |
#13
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Quote:
(This must go, that must go, etc.)
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1961 220b: first project car - sold. 2000 CLK 430: first modern Benz - sold. 2001 CLK 55: OMG the torque!!! - sold 1972 280SE 4.5: Baby Gustav 1991 300TE 4Matic: Gretel the Snow Bunny - sold 1978 300SD: Katz the Free Man - given away 1980 Redhead: Darling Wife |
#14
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I grew up on that stuff every Saturday night!
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1987 560SL 85,000 miles Meet on the level, leave on the square. Great words to live by Were we directed from Washington when to sow and when to reap, we should soon want bread. - Thomas Jefferson: Autobiography, 1821.
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#15
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Chili is just a fancy name for a meat sauce for beans.
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