DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper..

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-***** TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****!' at the top of your lungs. It also, most often, will be the next tool that you will need.


MIG WELDER: A metal fusion device which, when not spitting slag into your open shoe, will aid in the emergency removal of vinyl upholstery.

I seem to have all those tools in my shop.

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Wow, where did you get this list . . . it's a wonder that no one has ever posted such a humorous automotive . . . what? The dickens you say . . . has it only been four years since the first incarnation?

So that it's not a total repost . . .

SHOP TOWEL: Toxic chemical and grease ladden fabric often used without hesitation as handkerchief or wound dressing.

HAYNES: Respected publisher of automotive repair books with noted sense of humor in carefully omitting crucial disassembly steps, usually at the point where large weight bearing objects are being held overhead with one hand.

HOCKEY TAPE: All purpose binding adhesive used in Great White North

WHEEL MOUNTING ALIGNMENT PIN: Mythical metal tool rumored to be found in Mercedes cars previously owned by unicorns and lepprechauns.

More shop humor by Egan:


Murphy's Law As It Relates To The Garage

1.) The floor pan of a British roadster, left abandoned in someone's backyard, will hold up to 4 inches of water for three years without leaking a drop, BUT the water pump won't. Neither will the radiator, heater core, freeze plugs, hose clamps or heater valve.

2.) A very slightly tarnished battery post or wiring terminal will pass no current at all until you carefully sand or scrape the surface to a high shine, free of all oxidation-and even then it won't always work until you wiggle it just so-while a stray horn wire, blowing around in the wind under your car, will somehow find a solid connection on a rusty, undercoated frame rail and either blow a fuse or melt your entire wiring harness.

3.) One drop of spilled brake fluid on your newly painted fender will dissolve the 2-part acrylic finish in seconds and leave a big ugly spot, but a half gallon of Professional Strength Paint Stripper will have no effect on an old TR-4 fender that was painted by Earl Sheib in 1971.

4.) A propane torch will not even light unless you have exactly the right gas flow and hold the match just so, but a pile of oily rags will burn your garage down with no outside help.

5.) No floor jack lifts high enough unless you use a block of wood.

6.) A car body will reject paint on any spot of primed metal you've touched with your supposedly oily fingertips, but the same paint will stick to the undersides of your fingernails for a month.

7.) Packing fresh grease into wheel bearings by hand makes the phone ring.

8.) Large springs are always 5% stronger than the person trying to install them.

9.) Any toolbox you are able to lift by yourself is missing the tool you need.

The funny part is I wasn't here to read the original thread 4 years ago.

What was I doing in 2006

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You missed the 12-6-2009 Version?

[QUOTE=MTI;2380598]Wow, where did you get this list . . . it's a wonder that no one has ever posted such a humorous automotive . . . what? The dickens you say . . . has it only been four years since the first incarnation?

So that it's not a total repost . . .

SHOP TOWEL: Toxic chemical and grease ladden fabric often used without hesitation as handkerchief or wound dressing.

HAYNES: Respected publisher of automotive repair books with noted sense of humor in carefully omitting crucial disassembly steps, usually at the point where large weight bearing objects are being held overhead with one hand.

HOCKEY TAPE: All purpose binding adhesive used in Great White North

WHEEL MOUNTING ALIGNMENT PIN: Mythical metal tool rumored to be found in Mercedes cars previously owned by unicorns and lepprechauns.

More shop humor by Egan:




the guys in the race shop are always goofing about this kind of stuff it passes the time on long drives and calm nerves before we get to the track

i have a bolt poster i will get and post it up its just as funny