joke thread

[MTI]

There's an old Jewish man walking on the beach and he comes across a magic lantern. He rubs it and a genie comes out.

The genie says to the old Jewish man, "I will grant you anything you want."

The old Jewish man pulls out a map of the Middle East and shows it to the genie and says, "I would like peace in the Middle East between Israelis and the Palestinians."

The genie looks at the map and says, "I cannot do that. Anything else?" And so the Jewish man says, "I would like my wife to blow me one more time." The genie says, "Let me see that map again."

[cornemuse]

Pavlov is sitting at a bar enjoying a beer one evening. The phone rang at the bar and Pavlov jumped up and shouted "damn.... I forgot to feed my dog!"

[daw_two]

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Rory McIIroy drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is.....

"Top o' the mornin to ya"

As Rory gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Rory.

"And what would ya be usin'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive,"replies Rory.

"Aw, Jaysus, Maryan' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything...

[cmac2012]

“A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he’d long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, ‘Can you take me to where I can get scrod?’ The driver replies, ‘I’ve heard that question a thousand time, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive.'”

[Since66]

An old World War II Spitfire pilot and flying ACE, was speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.”

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail.”

At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.

The pastor finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, which made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war.”

"Yes, that's true," says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts”.

[Aquaticedge]

hmm...

[barry12345]

The interviewer asked the jockey how much he weighed. He replied 97 pounds soaking wet. The interviewer suggested he stop standing under his horse.